Speed Dating Recap

Edited: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. but you know who you are

Fried or Fertilized

That was the top question on my list.

I got a call from Jaz yesterday inviting me to a Speed Date event in the city. Never one to disappoint… I was in.

We arrive at the venue and its-small. We made our way through the crowd to the bar only to be bumped and bruised by DC’s anti-finest. It was like we were at an event for the young and rude. Only in DC have I repeatedly experienced fancy rude men. Ugh. After waiting at the crowded bar for like 10 we finally order our drinks. It’s Wednesday night, and while the rest of the crowd was going “HAM” –we opted for beer (which without fail becomes the topic of conversation). So we wander around for a minute to find a place to squat. After settling in- this guy says he’s not going to participate in speed dating because he was surrounded by enough women right where he was. OK- so as he talked Jaz’s ear off about how they do the same job (which they don’t), why she’s drinking a beer (and he’s empty handed), and what his name is (which I suppose, she was supposed to guess based on the initials monogrammed on his shirt)- I looked past them to observe the room. I took inventory of the other chicks in the room and I genuinely felt bad for some of them. The look of desperation and thirst was painted on with emotional body paint. I could tell they were serious about the event and catchin’ them a man I blame all those damn CNN reports for this . SO then the annoying guy starts talking to his friend with the grey linen (read: summer appropriate fabric) jacket and a big butt which literally knocked me over because he felt the need to “squeeze” by me. Your arse is too big for that. And didn’t say excuse me. Ugh.

The event was a little disorganized. So as we waited for our “round” we started to look at the guys that hadn’t gone yet and knew that we would be in for quite the ….experience. We sat down for one round but were booted by the organizers and side-eyed by a couple thirsty chicks who were anxiously awaiting their turn to meet Mr. Right now because of a “mix up” so we went downstairs to the grown folks lounge until it was our time. When we came back upstairs we met T-. He was sitting at the bar, with a plate of burger and fries. I was debating about asking him for a French fry buy damn if he hadn’t devoured them by the time that I looked back down at his plate. He went on to explain that he’s a student so he only eats a meal a day or something and that his momma only taught him to cook eggs and steak (which he can’t afford), so he starves.

At some point in the night we started a question list. The first three questions were: (1) fried or fertilized, (2) can you teach me how to dougie, and (3) Gucci or waka? The entire list was 12 questions long , but I knew that I would get what I needed from those three questions. My rationale: if you entertained any of these questions then you probably don’t take yourself too seriously and are laid back, I can dig that.

Finally, it was our turn to sit. Now to the stank heffa that saw me toss my purse in the seat and proceeded to sit at the table anyway and then acted like I was speaking Latin (yes, I know it’s not a spoken language) when I told her that there was an open seat at the other table…you get a “chile please.” We held our spots down anyway and jumped right in. In summary : all but maybe one or two of the guys I met were Kappas though I ‘m not sure they were all Nupes , were either from Durham or Michigan, and were either in law or medical school or were currently practicing. To be fair-this event was hosted by HU Law students so I guess that was to be expected. And I’m not sure but I think some of them may have had some “challenges”, I’m not sure if it was the really slow talking or the creepy smile, but yeah.

Ok so now onto the characters we met:

First up was curly haired Nupe –Morehouse Grad. He was nice. He was from Detroit and had no desire of going back. He’s Georgia barred so his plan is to move to Atlanta in 6-9 months though he said that he’s been saying that same thing for 6-9 months. There wasn’t really anything standout about him. I’m not sure that I even got to the questions list with him so…..

Uh I don’t even remember the order of these people….

Grey shirt nu Kappa.- ok his head was a little large, his speech was a little slow, and his smile was creepy. When asked “fried or fertilized” his answer was fertilized (as was the choice of everyone that I asked) and NONE of them knew what I was referring to. He was from Durham. I think he was a law student but I was just really confused by his presence. I think I was a little creeped out and wasn’t sure where to look.

Then there was the medical student. He had on a nice tie. His baby fro was a bit out dated, but I suppose he’s good with it. He spent the entire three minutes talking about his interest in men’s health and how prostate cancer is killing our men. He went to some small school in Alabama and was apparently older than he looked. He also wore the smile of a creeper…or maybe he was just eager.

There was "That Guy" I think he was drunk. He didn’t answer questions (with truth). He went to the U for undergrad and it turns out that we know some of the same people. His line to me” ay can we just forget the little paper. Can I just have your number?” Umm sir that’s against the rules and time is up. He moved on to Jaz and I guess he was still talking about getting my number…she also reiterated that was against the rules. FF to the end of the night. He sees me leaving and says Oh you were gone leave without giving me that number huh. So he slips me his on a piece of paper that says “Call me (Name) (xxx)xxx-xxxx)”. I looked at my cell once I left there and I coincidentally had a message from the person that he and I both know who confirmed that he was wack and indeed one of those people who feels the need to know everyone. Ugh. I’m good.

Then there was the series of kappas from philly. They all went to either UPENN or Drexel, were linebrothers or neos, and smelled of similac. There was the cookie (or french fry) monstor who (go figure) was the baby in his family and the starving student. Next came "Losing Isiah" who was soft-spoke and probably a little socially awkward. There was Apollo or whatever his name was- from Sierra Leone. He apparently went to one year of high school in Oak Cliff (TX) and considered himself BFFs with a friend of mine from college. I wonder if TX even remembers him? Anyway I asked him if he could teach me how to dougie…he said no. He doesn’t do that. Ugh. I guess he’s too fancy.

I don’t remember which guy this was but I told him to pick a number 1-3 and he picked 4. I asked him kindly to pick 1-3. We ended up going through all three. He preferred fertilized, said he does “coon” so he could not teach me how to dougie, and looked appalled that I would ask a question “Gucci or waka”, he chose Gucci because he might have a small advantage on the intelligence front over waka. At this point I decided that he was not enough fun and thankfully time was up. G’bye.

I know I’m leaving some people out. Oh there was "one of the organizers"- the guy that had us sit down the first time (when we got booted) and insisted all night that "it wasn't his job to do x, y or z". He was so anxious to talk to the stank chick on the other side of me that when he sat down..I told him that I hope I wouldn’t disappoint because he was just so excited about his last encounter. He decided that I was holding a grudge from earlier or something. I don’t remember ish about him. Really.

OHHH I forgot about the turtle looking guy. He legit reminded me of the Terp mascot. He was filling in for someone. A third year in law school. I don’t remember where he was from. He was strange.

The last guy I met was an alpha from ARho (Morehouse and a different breed of APHIA). He was cool. He was actually from Durham and went to law school with my linesister so he started naming people that we probably knew (even though I told him that I probably don’t talk to whoever it was). He named someone by their nickname and I was just perplexed at the fact that they go around identifying herself as such….aren’t you grown? Prob not. Anyway. He’s been here a couple months. Clerks for a judge and deals with felons on the regular which he says are always guilty in his cases :/. He was a nice ending to the night.

Alas, it was over. I didn’t fill out my sheet. Honestly, I forgot to fill it out and I wasn’t taking it seriously so….yeah.

It was a good time (minus the dis-organization and rudeness). I’d definitely do it again. Any of you ever been?