From the Why Me Files: Mercury in Retrograde

So there's a couple points in the year when mercury goes into retrograde which is blamed for all types of technical mishaps...lost emails...etc, but I tend to blame a bunch of craziness happening too close together on the little phenom too. I promise some of the craziest things happen to or around me. Here's a little recap of this weeks shenanigans....and the weekend just got started.

Sidenote: my Taquita moves here next week....trouble...trouble...

Tuesday night madness:

I'm getting into the groove of bi-weekly tennis sessions with Mrs. Antoine Dodson and we always have a good time. This chick used to play competitively so I really thing she's going easy on me but I'm gaining better control over my swing...hopefully I will stop hitting over the wall. Digression. That's not the point of the story.

We get ready to take the court and this brotha walks by on his cell phone. Socks and flip flops. He takes a seat on the bench and converses with whoever is on the other end. I assume he's also taking in the sights of our match and the pick-up game going on. The evening progresses and all is well. I guess he needed to be at the park to get his little "sexy whisper" on or whatever, but suddenly we look up and we see this

I realize that you may not be able to make this picture out completely but this FOOL is on the swing set. No, not on the regular swing which would have been suss enough...the toddler swing that goes over the head and fastens between the legs. knee grow Boy please! Are you serious. He was really goin' at it...like for real swinging.. mom says I should have called park police and reported a pedophile.

After that, I decided to hit the gym to get some spin in. I forgot how much I hated the Bally's on that side of town. After fighting with foreigners that can't drive in the parking lot. I go in to find that the spin room is occupied by grown men taekwondo-ers (there's something strange about that to me). Anyway I got on the regular bike downstairs and in walks something strange. Now, I've been watching a lot of Lie to Me, Rizzoli & Isles, Covert Affirs, and Burn Notice...so I think I'm somethin' official. And by nature I'm a people watcher. So...this comes in...

The brotha comes in with black sweatpants, black tee, black hoodie, and a damn northface jacket on. ITS SUMMERTIME. Where the hell is you goin? (yeah you read that right) So he comes and stands in the middle of the gym floor and looks at someone on the elliptical and looks at me since I'm sure he felt my death stare/side-eye combo which he repeats several times before proceeding to tuck his northface into his pants. At that moment, I'm not very comfortable. I decide I'll just wait to hear how this plays out on the news the next morning. But just before I go...he puts his hands in his pockets of his jacket which is now tucked in and continues to just stand there. I jump ship. I'm outtie.

Thankfully my Wednesday went more smoothly with the exception of the lack of straight men in Chinatown for the screening of Takers. My review: Takers is definitely worth seeing if only: to see Chis Brown prove he isn't an actor, to see TI look like a Ken doll in a cop uniform, to hear Idris Elba speak in his natural accent (though a bit exaggerated), to see set it off- but with an all male cast, and to see the best crackhead acting since Sam Jackson and Halle Berry in Jungle Fever. I'm voting for a sequel right now with the crackhead as one of the takers!

After the movie I get a text from my friend who has made it her goal to set me up with a DC cop. They tend to have neck tats and carry guns for a living. So I wake up to a text asking if I would go out with one. I say yes and then start probing for info about this person. She tells me his fraternity affiliation and his name (with instructions not to judge him based on his name alone since she KNEW that was going to be my next move). Anyway, I google the brotha and a story in the fraternity newsletter comes up...Wait he's life member? He's been workin' where since '87? The hell did she set me up with? Father time? I got back to my google search and find that there is a Jr....crisis averted. So I take a peek and then I start to feel a little bougie...the guys seems a little "local" for me. Granted he's from the area so I guess...but the pic of him with the chick's arse tooted up in the air forced me to issue a side-eye. But it never hurts to meet new people. And besides...a cop is good for the repertoire...much like a 2520 and a lawyer. Makes life easier. I guess I should text him....

Last night though, I'm in Harris Teeter post-gym to get some bacon. Judge away, but I work out because I don't deny myself of pork covered cheese fries life's pleasures. So I guess 11pm is stock time and the floor is full of folks unloading food and stocking shelves. I get to the cheese and bread isle and stop first to pick up my colby jack. I proceed down the aisle to get bread...but I felt eyes and heard whispers from two guys who weren't actually close enough to whisper. Admittedly it felt a little awkward. That plus the fact that I wasn't impressed with their bread selection and the fact that I somehow forgot to get the bacon which was back up towards the cheese meant that I couldn't make an easy escape from the awkward whispers, rather I had to walk back up the aisle. So as I'm walking I hear...."excuse me miss, can I ask you a question?" Ugh...of course I turn around and smile and say yes. So the gentleman asks me how old I was and I answered his question. Then he asked me my name, which I provided. He then tells me that his friend....stocking the bread...was Donovan and that Donovan had let me walk by two times without saying anything but he was interested in talking to me. Meanwhile Donovan is back there smiling like he eats glue. I say awwww and make a mad dash to the bacon. The other guy says oh do you have a boyfriend..and I say yeah. I hate lying..and I despise liars...but what is the other way to get out of this? Suggestions anyone.

It's friday. I ain't got no job (sorta). And I ain't got ish to do...except attend my farewell lunch. I'm ready to find some trouble to get into.