The 42% has been blamed on several things: outrageous standards and expectations, the lack of "marriageable" black men, black girl attitude, and the list goes on. Truthfully, to get wrapped up in the 42% could probably lead to depression but I simply can't get with those who moan and complain about it. To be in the 58% you've got to first work on YOURSELF. I know that a lot of the "successful" black women that this number refers to appear to have it all. Career, cars, clothes, homes, friends...you know...THE life. But many also carry issues that can be barriers to becoming a part of the 58%. Among those issues are self esteem, expectations, and limits or restrictions on themselves and their relationships.
1. Self-Esteem. This can be a GOOD or BAD thing. Black women are often wrongly perceived to have an attitude or to have "issues'. I'm not saying that these things aren't true in some cases, but it definitely shouldn't be a generalization. BUT it doesn't help when a woman's "self-esteem" is SO HIGH that it causes her to look down on others, think of herself as being above EVERYONE else, or to treat others as less. No one wants a woman who is too good for EVERYTHING. Having low self esteem is an obvious turn off of a real man too (note: I don't think that a Man really desires someone who thinks little of herself). If you can't think highly of yourself...how will you think highly of your mate or your children? I am not blind to the fact that women have endured situations and plights that have chipped away at their self esteem, but you gotta work on loving yourself.
2. Expectations. Again...this can be both a good or bad thing. A woman should not only have expectations for herself, but also for her mate and her family. Some women OD on the expectations though. A list of 582 things that a man MUST have is unreasonable. If you actually read them out-loud to yourself...you might realize that. I think it's important for us to look at ourselves when we make these "lists" as well. Would we fit these things if it were a list presented to us by some man? Put yourself in that person's shoes. How would you feel if you constantly felt as if you had to measure up to a 3000 item list on a piece of paper? In the same breath...having little or no expectations is dangerous. Not having some expectations leaves you open to accept "anything" that is any treatment...any disrespect...any love that they feel like giving or not giving...and the list goes on.
3. Limits and Restrictions. It's obviously healthy to have some limits and restrictions on the things that you will and won't do or will and will not allow in your life but let's remember not to OD. Telling a man "I AM NOT..." is not going to get you very many places. Does this mean that you HAVE to be down for whatever (including any and all fun girl activities) not so much, but flat out shutting down any and all requests for everything from cooking to allowing a man to be a man is not going to work. Being clear in your limits is important as a woman seeks a life mate. You should look for someone that shares in those limits, rather than someone who CLEARLY doesn't and then expect them to stick around for the "I AM NOT" speech. Aside from those things, we also tend to limit or restrict who we will and won't entertain dating. Again, there is nothing wrong with having some ideal requirements, but limiting yourself to men 6 feet 7 and above, chocolate brown and not a shade lighter or darker, and making seven figures isn't going to yield an enormous dating pool. Try something new...For some this may mean dating someone making a little less than seven figures for others it may be someone of another race or culture. Putting too many limits on yourself is not going to move you closer to the 58% club.
The moral of the story is BALANCE. Everything in moderation. Having positive self esteem is fabulous. A woman who is confident radiates in any room. Men can sense that from afar and for many its attractive. Being "too high on your own horse", however is not. Not many people want a homie, lover, or friend that walks around with their nose so far in the air that they can't see those around them. Low self-esteem is unacceptable as well. There is no doubt that certain predicaments or situations can chip away at your self esteem but what is sexier than a survivor, you know, a woman that doesn't let the things that happen to or around her affect her perception of self in a negative way? DO have expectations for yourself and your (potential) mate and your relationship. Expectations are healthy and push people to be better. Unreasonable expectations can push people away though. Don't miss out on the blessing brought to you because he doesn't clip his toenails every Tuesday at Noon* in other words* don't miss out because the person doesn't fit your ultra-specific, never-ending list of expectations. If you insist on a list (physical list) make it one that you yourself could fit into or would work towards. Finally... its great to have limits on what you are willing to do and or experience. These limits help to protect one's self inside and out. BUT balance those...don't be so uptight that you aren't willing to embark on new experiences. And puhleez stop limiting yourself to only dating one type of person. You might be pleasantly surprise with what you have been missing out on :).
The 42% number can be intimidating to a woman that doesn't know who she is and who refuses to open up and live a little. Take some time to get to know yourself and see what it is that you really desire. I believe (as a Christian) that God has someone for us but we have to get out of our own way and be open to it. So I don't know about you...but I'm looking forward to increasing that 58% number!
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