F.E.A.R. and why Hawaii mattered

F.E.A.R.- false evidence appearing real.

I took a quick trip to Ohau a couple weeks ago for work. While I was excited and super blessed by the opportunity, there was a piece of me that was really uncomfortable with the situation. Thankfully, when you are going through something and battling it out within yourself, God places people and messages and situations in your path to help you move past it-as long as you are willing to take chance.

Backstory: I've been flying since I was about...6 months old. As a kid, I flew cross-country alone to visit my dad all of the time. It was no biggie. Fast forward to college- that young and dumb carefree life where you take trips to just to have drinks at a different bar. Yeah. That. All was good but I started feeling antsy during take-off. Eventually turbulence would be the thing that would leave my tummy in knots- sweaty palms- the whole nine. It's gotten better over time for sure. At some point (I don't remember when) I'd begun really praying about the whole flying thing because it was silly and there was no reason that I should get worked up about a few pockets of air. Even as that part subsided, I was still a bit hesitant to take long flights and flights over water. I'd created this irrational fear in my own mind about flying over water and not being able to see land (kind of like the reason I don't want to take a cruise).

I'd accepted the trip to Hawaii, because it's HAWAII and how many times do you have the chance to go there-at no cost (note: this would make the second time. the first time a friend invited me and I was too afraid to take the trip). I'd made up my mind that it would be ok. But I did schedule a few stops on each leg of my flight to avoid having to sit for hours on end. The week before the trip I was still a bit nervous but trying to work through it. I had to fly to Washington state for a few days and then back to DC and then to Hawaii all in the same week, but was really only concerned about flying over the ocean for like 5 hours straight to Hawaii. The sunday before all of these flights we had a guest speaker at church. I allllmost didn't go that morning (opting for Bedside Baptist) but I pressed my way in. The message was about fear. And Deborah Smith Pegues talked about her own irrational fear of flying. I sobbed the entire time because I felt like God was talking to me and letting me know that it would be OK! She talked about how turbulence discouraged her from flying and how she'd missed out on opportunities because of her fear. She then talked about how she researched turbulence to learn more about it and was able to overcome her fear. She did it and so could I. She pointed to two things to do to address a fear (1) analysis and (2) action. She researched the thing that she feared and then took action to overcome it.

The message really hit home for me as I realized all of the things that I'd missed out on because of my own fear. A few weeks prior, ILYT asked me when I was going to stop letting fear keep me from experiencing life. That question was spot on and made me realize that I'd have to make a decision to overcome this or continue to settle for less than all I could have. I flew to Hawaii and back...by myself...over the ocean and it felt great to do. Plus I learned that planes can actually make a water landing. Analysis.

That's not the only reason that HI mattered though. Spending time on the beach and kind of on a solo vacation gave me much needed "me" time. I ended the trip in See's Candy store where I was buying a box of chocolates for my mom. I didn't realize how much that would take out of me. See, my uncle passed away last spring. This was someone who my mom was extremely close to, and one of those people that I'd always pictured at my wedding one day. He was one of my biggest supporters and my mom's too. Every year when I was little he used to send us See's candy. Since his passing, I've been meaning to get my mom a box and when I saw the store in HI, I just pranced right on in. As I began going through the choices and giving my order to the lady at the counter, I just started crying. Yup, like a baby. I had no idea the memories that something so trivial would bring back. BUT I also realized in that moment that I hadn't really had time to mourn my uncle's death. I was more concerned about being there for my mother and hadn't taken some time for myself. The saleslady was very patient with me and so sweet. I finished up the selection and packed it away in my suitcase. But those few moment and few tears were cleansing and apparently much needed.

OK, I know this was A LOT, but considering we only update this blog every other blue moon, I think its ok. Moral of the story here...conquer your fears and take time for yourself to heal a bit. Fear doesn't have to be so extreme that it consumes you, but if it keeps you from experiencing all of the great things that God has for you, it might be time to do something about it. Analyze it- figure out what it is you are afraid of and why. Then take action and do something about it. I promise it will feel great!.

Integrity?

I've really been struggling with people who don't keep their word lately. It is incredibly frustrating when someone opens their mouth to say they will do something and then not do it. I'm not even talking about people who you ask to do something-they say yes-and then they don't. I'm referring to people who volunteer to do something and then don't. It's been wearing on my nerves and I've cut a few people out due to this. Last night at bible study, my pastor was talking about being people of integrity and he referenced James 5:12 "...But let your "Yes" be "Yes", and your "No", "No", lest you fall into judgement." This is in reference to keeping your word and your commitments.

The reality is that we live in a society where people don't respect commitments, avoid them, and will fore go a commitment if something else comes along or they simply don't feel like it. These are people who lack integrity and I'm running out of patience for them. I know that no one is perfect, including myself, but let's challenge ourselves and one another to be people of integrity and keepers of our word.

My Soul has Returned, So I Call it a Lesson Learned

People say that God takes you through things to teach you lessons. I strongly believe that, but I also know that we take ourselves through things because of our own free will and our desire to do what we want. In either situation, however, I’ve realized that there are lessons that can be learned. It is up to you to figure out what the lesson was from each experience. Many of us go through repetitious cycles of mess because we never sit down and take a moment think “what was I supposed to get out of that”. Failing to ask that simple question pushes us right back into the same or similar situations which produce the same results of before. Insert definition of insanity RIGHT HERE.

Not too long ago, I found myself disappointed in myself after I made a choice. There were so many things that led to me feeling the way I did- my own psyche, the opinions of those close to me, etc. The list went on. I tend to be the listener among my friends. Aside from this blog, and a few select conversations, my sharing is limited. So I continued to be in my own head about disappointing myself. I really didn’t reach out to my circle because in my head, I didn’t want to deal with their responses. On top of that, I knew that what I’d done wasn’t pleasing to God. This is where the enemy comes in. I was almost convinced that God wouldn’t forgive me. And that led to me not being able to forgive myself. BUT in my prayer time I was reminded that the God I believe in allows for repentance. And that’s what I did. I repented. I had to remind myself that the enemy comes to attack us. But I repented and accepted that I’d been forgiven. Even with that, though, I was not able to forgive myself. I think when you do something to disappoint yourself; it’s easy to really beat yourself up about it. I remember being at dinner with my 06 and just crying and telling her all about it. And she reminded me that God forgives, and that I’d have to do the same. She also reminded me about the strength of my circle and why those people were there in the first place. She reminded me that those people that I hold close to me are those that want what is best for me, are judgment free, and are imperfect themselves. With that, I felt better and worked toward forgiving myself. It wasn’t instant. The thing is that there aren’t too many people that know us as well as we know ourselves. So I know my potential and the person I am. So I felt that I’d really messed up with my choices and that was hurtful. I did eventually forgive myself though. It’s funny, we always hear how we should forgive others but so many people are walking around harboring anger and disgust within themselves for the choices they’ve made. It’s time to do something about that.

Our experiences are the things that shape who we are and who we become. The choices we make shape those experiences. It all works together. So we have to realize that we’ve gone through things for a reason: to learn a lesson. Once that lesson is learned, we have to forgive ourselves, make some adjustments, and MOVE ON. Don’t hinder your growth because you can’t get over something that you’ve done. That’s not living, that’s not being free, and it will surely cause you to miss out on what is to come.

Continued

Yesterday's post was cool enough to stand alone but remember I told you there were two big shutterbug moments as of late...

My early summer goal was to start applying for new positions and to be out of my current full and part time positions by the end of summer. When I came to JHU, it was really only planned to be about a year and within this year I've accomplished a lot but I really feel maxed out right here. Time for a change. As for my part-time job...if you know me...you know that iCant.

My strategy was two fold. 1) Work on the resume, apply.apply.APPLY. I personally don't look for things to fall out of the sky. You have to put yourself in a place where opportunity can recognize and approach you. Like Ivy League Neck Tats said (in a different context)...you can't run around thinking that you just "deserve" something (or someone for that matter). You gotta work for it. Here lies my problem with people who constantly complain about their situation but never get to work on making something else happen. 2) Pray hard. Period. Nope not "God if you love me you will deliver this job to my front door step" but "I'm working hard to change my career. Here's where my heart is and what I'd like to do. Here's my timeline to get this done. BUT nevertheless, not my will...but your's be done." Fact is that God doesn't work on our schedules. Time exists to govern man but it doesn't govern God. And i've tried giving Him an ultimatum before and got played sign that God probably is a man . So I hit the ground running in a very focused way. I wasn't applying for just any job. I knew in my heart what I wanted to do and the direction that I felt God was leading me in. So did I apply to 100 jobs a day? No. But I did hit a few quality picks each day.

One day it happened. I got a call. Someone was interested and wanted me to come in for an interview. My little side note prayer was "God I'd love to have an interview on my birthday, that would be a great sentence to go in the opening paragraph of the next chapter." Sure enough, I scheduled that interview for my birthday. It went well. People went on vacation. I knew they were interviewing others, I had to wait patiently. In the meantime...some changes were happening at my current job. Schedules were changing which would effectively take away my ONE guaranteed off evening a week when I don't work either job. Add to that- my manager at the PT spot was leaving and iCan't work with the others so things started looking real emergent. In the midst of my complaints this- ILYT shares a bible study lesson with me from her pastor. She gave me a few words of encouragement and we got quiet on gchat for a few minutes. That was until I frantically sent her a message and called her in amazement of how after sharing that word with me...a door opened. I'd gotten a call from another company. And i.kid.you.not. 45 minutes later a third called to schedule an interview. CRAZINeSS!

The first interview (bday) was with Children's National Hospital. It went great. The team was great and the position was interesting. The second was with a non-profit. The opportunity here seemed great. It was a policy position and the job required a lot of travel. Just what I was looking for. Again, the team was great. The interview went well. Then there was the third interview. This one with a big "think tank" company. They scheduled me for 8 interviews in one day and so I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought initially...and the interview was scheduled so much later than the others. I worried that I wouldn't have the time to make the decisions. The week before my interview at the think tank...I got an offer from Children's National. The offer was more than I expected. I was really shocked actually. I explained my interview situation and the HR person graciously gave me over a week to get back to her with a reply (virtually unheard of). So I notified the non-profit and because they liked me so much..they brought me in for round two the next day. It was crazy!

Finally, interview day came at "think tank" and they already knew the deal. I'd expected the position to be a lot like my current position but in another arena. I'd looked at the salaries and knew that they were below the offer from Children's National. But this company has a crazy reputation so I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to interview there. Monday-they welcomed me and spun me around the building meeting with researcher after researcher. I did a video interview with "the boss" and he asked me what my other offer was. I felt a sense of relief that they knew what I was workin' with but I still didn't know if they were going to eff with it or not. After my morning interviews, I went to lunch at the Ritz Carlton with two girls currently in the position. Everyone was really nice. Laid back, and super supportive of "future endeavors". We returned and I had a few more interviews and the very last was scheduled to be with this very southern gentleman Public Health big wig from Atlanta. Since he wouldn't be able to meet with me in person, he stopped in to say hello and told me he would call me at the end of the day for a phone interview. When my escort for the day got me to that room with the phone...she said "they are upstairs already putting their heads together for you". That felt good on the inside that's what she said . So my day wrapped. I was geeked. And in that moment...I decided to work from home the next day before running some errands and then taking the day to make a decision.

Tuesday came...and I got the call. I'd gotten the job at "think tank". I also got an email to expect a call from the non-profit in that afternoon. My thoughts were that if all things were equal...my difficult decision would come down to think tank and non-profit. So I prayed that God would make it plain for me. To start....think tank surpassed my offer from Children's. I know and they know that is outside of the range they pay for that position...but he didn't want salary to be my deciding factor. I got the third offer and it really didn't compare. It was really an easy decision in terms of opportunity and potential. So I accepted the position and with in moments I was getting emails from DC, Santa Monica, and Pittsburgh. CRAZY INDEED.

Oh, did I mention that in the midst of all this favor I got a promotion and raise at my current job retroactive back to the start of our fiscal year?

The shutterbug moment take home: make a plan with God. Don't go just tellin' Him what it is...what it not.. and what it gone be (special prize to the person who can name that song), but make your requests known to Him, put in your work, and watch him "werk".

Shutterbug Moments

What is this "shutterbug moment" that I've been speaking lately?

Well Shutterbug is the name of a song on Big Boi's latest album "Sir Luscious Left Foot: The son of Chico Dusty." It's a catchy little song. Take a look/listen. But it wasn't the song that got me talking about "shutterbug moments", it was Big Boi's explanation of the moment while he was in the Steve Harvey Morning Show Studio. As he put it, it was a "shutterbug moment"...one that was memorable and worth taking a picture of. So in short...that's what my shutterbug moments have been...moments that were memorable and worth a mental snapshot to be stored in my mind forever.

Over the past month, God has really been at work in my life. In two major areas, He's shown up and done things things that I never expected. Ever.

Earlier this summer I adopted the mantra shared by my friend Dr. LQIV "Work like everything depends on you. Pray like everything depends on God. You will not fail." I made my vision board which I suggest everyone should do. And I got to work with my hands and on my knees. There were two things that I have been praying about (1) Restoring a specific relationship in my life and (2) to transition out of my job and into more of a career that allowed me to work in my areas of interest.

(since my life is so much of an open book, I'll share this personal story with you in hopes that it helps someone else)

I'd really been praying for God to restore my relationship with my dad. Last summer I made a decision to tell my dad exactly how I felt about everything and I realized that came with the risk that we would not speak for a while or ever again. Though my parents were divorced, my father was always present in my life. So this was hard but necessary for me at that time. And since I was hurt, I felt justified in how I handled the situation but as time went on I realized how much a relationship with my father meant to me. So I prayed and prayed. One night at bible study and in prayer God nudged me a little. I realized that I never asked for God to forgive me for not honoring my earthly father (which is something He commands). I never asked for forgiveness for my part in this. Not. Ever. I'd simply been asking God to "fix it" without acknowledging any wrong on my part. But I checked myself real quick once I realized that. Asked for forgiveness and then forgave my dad in my own heart. I'd plan to write him in the coming weeks to see if we could get started on getting back to being father and daughter again because I was sure that he wouldn't make the first move. For all I knew, he wasn't even thinking about our relationship or reconciling. But MAN O MAN- out of the blue. I got a text from my dad. Before I ever reached out. He wanted to be my dad again. He wanted to move past the past and hurt feelings. He wanted to move on! I got this in the middle of a meeting and I tried my hardest not to start crying. But we talked later on and we are really on the path to having a great relationship. Lesson: when you are obedient to God, He can make things happen in ways that you couldn't ever imagine.

That's the first of the two BIG moments...I'll elaborate on the others in the coming days. I need to get to work.

Age ain't nuthin but a number

We were talking the other day and you mentioned that there was a move that you were interested in making, but felt that you were too young to be put in that position. My response: age has nothing to do with maturity or ability. If you've got it, you've got it. That's it.

When we are contemplating making a major move or change in our lives there can be a voice just as loud as the one that motivates you- telling you that you can't do it for whatever reason. That is usually the voice of the enemy. But that's not the point of this post.

Let's talk about why age doesn't matter in life. Yeah you get older but that doesn't have a direct correlation to anything but health really. Being older doesn't automatically make your wiser, smarter, or more mature. How many old arse men do you know that can't be responsible in their life decisions? How many old arse women do you know that still make terrible mothers? Yeah, my point exactly. Age is merely an indicator of how many days you've spent alive. Maturity comes as a result of learning from your experiences and seeking ways to grow. So many people go through things but don't pay attention to the lesson and find themselves back in that same place over and over again. Choosing to put yourself in a position where you can grow personally and making the choice to not simply "go through" but to learn from your experiences is what makes you "mature". Making these choices can move you so far beyond those around you and those that you perceive should be ahead of you.

some of You were destined to be great. But greatness doesn't just fall in your lap. It requires you to be bold and take strides in directions that you might not see yourself as being "worthy" of. But put your vision together of where you want to be. Pray that God's will is done. And watch the plan wErk. That's what I've been doing and it has surely been working out for the very best for me! Look forward to the full praise report in the coming days.

"flying high on the wings of forgiveness"

so what if all of my titles for the week have been song lyrics? let me be great.

I just told ILYT a little about my story of a real break-through that I experienced yesterday. You know my life is pretty much an open book and I will share the story with you folks later (since I am a firm believer that the things we write can help others in some way). ILYT's response was "see that's why forgiveness is so important." She's right.

When we are hurt or feel like we've been wronged-we feel that we are justified in the actions that we take in response. We don't see what we did as wrong because "they" started it. When we are hurt it is easy to overlook our own faults in the situation.

The hope is that we each grow and learn each day. For those not of some type of spiritual walk, I'm not sure what this looks like, but for me it means as I grow in my walk with God, I also mature in my thinking and doing. It means that in my goal to be a better me, I spend some mirror time and some reflection time to learn from what I've experienced. So one night at bible study, Reverend Parker was in the middle of his relationships series. He suggested that we ask for forgiveness (from God) for the way we have handled some people in our damaged relationships and also to forgive them in our hearts. That night, (and so many other nights) a certain relationship was in my heart. I asked God to forgive me for my wrongs in the way I handled that person and that relationship. Then I truly forgave that person in my heart for my hurt. In that moment, I realized that while I had been praying for restoration of that relationship- forgiveness on my behalf had never even crossed my mind.

Again, this is a part of our nature to point out the things wrong in other people's lives and what they did wrong while ignoring the fifty-leven times that we've stumbled and fallen. This truly reminds me of many Christian's judgement of homosexuals while they are out with every Tom, Dick, and Harry doing whatever feels right at the time forgot about that verse while you were thumbin' through the verses to tape to the bottle of holy water that you are throwing at Miss Jay, huh? . I digress, the moral of this story is that we have to be willing to forgive others but we have also got to be bold enough to ask for forgiveness for the things that we've done. That ultimately boils down to us being big and bold enough to face ourselves and call ourselves out on our own BS. No one is perfect.

25 Things I Know For Sure

6. friendship is not measured by wins or losses, distance, or time.

7. i have truly been blessed to have genuine friendships with a select group of people. | my inner circle challenges me to be better, accepts me at my best and worst, and is open and honest with me. these relationships have only gotten better with time and i know that they, still have so much ahead of them

People that "know" me, know that I only have a few people that I actually consider friends. Most people live somewhere between purgatory and acquaintance in my book. But there are a select group of people who I call friend because some it's an identifiable word to describe who they are to me. Truthfully, though, that inner circle of mine consists of people who are more than friends to me. These aren't people that I have to see or talk to on the regular-because our relationship transcends time. These are the people that can call me 24/7 and vice versa. These are the people I call when I see something funny. They don't keep score. They "get" me. The accept my imperfection but challenge me to do better. They are the people that I GCHAT with when I can't talk for fear of nothing but cries coming out. They are my girls, they are my guys. They know when I'm "on one" and they tell me. The love and support me. They are truly awesome people in their own right. I'm actually the luckiest girl in the world to have them so close to me. They make me better.

Good Word: 8 Spirits to Avoid during Singleness and 5 Developmental Stages of Singleness by Pastor Isaac Pitre

My roommate introduced me to Isaac Pitre when she told me to listen to a series that he had done titled The Kingdom, Power, and the Glory. I haven't finished listening to the fourth sermon of that series but it is definitely a message to make you think and re-consider some things. When I went to iTunes to download the messages I saw two others about singleness so I decided to download them as well.

I listened to both of them yesterday. I think 20 minutes in...I emailed you and told you that you HAD to hear it! It was so relevant to EVERYthing that we have been talking about. Much of it really make me think about my thinking, words, actions...all of that. What Pastor Pitre says about singleness is that it is a time of development and maturing. This isn't new. Its the way that we (any many other people) view this time in our lives.

We laugh everyday about how we don't know who actually reads our blog but I think we both agree that these messages were worth sharing. If your single (cue the Youtube of "If You're Not Married, You're Single") then take a listen. Both messages can be found on iTunes under Isaac Pitre Ministries or online at www.isaacpitre.org.

Challenge yourself to look at the single life from a kingdom perspective. Seriously.