80s and 20s

We all know what the 80/20 rule is. Either we’ve heard it from our elders giving us relationship advice, OR we watched WDIGM and listed to the brothas break it down. Either way, we’ve heard about it and some of us have come to the point of realizing that the 20 is probably not worth the sacrifice of the 80, right? Well apparently I’m wrong in thinking that.

So here is my question? Is there a magic age or maturity level when [men] learn the 80/20 rule? Is there a specific point where guy’s realize that a 20 can never give them most of what they need. I intentionally didn’t’ say all, because I think it is very rare that we find someone that gives us 100% of what we want and need from them. I am also not saying that 80% is the most that you will get out of someone because, truthfully, this is a subjective number and could very likely be much higher for a specific person. What I can’t figure out is why some guys (and girls) are willing to accept a 20 when there is an 80+ standing around them. I mean, it takes 4-20’s to make an 80. And last time I checked, we only have one heart, so the math doesn’t add up. Or maybe I’m wrong there too. Is the heart not involved in the relationship with the 20?

I’ll be honest, I haven’t always been appreciative of the 80’s in my life. Not that I was busy peeking over at a 20, but the missing 20% in the 80, though trivial, was enough for me to let my interest wane. But I was also immature and still had some learning to do. So are all of these guys running around trying to make an 80 or 100 out of 4-5 20’s immature or are they just doing the player thing? And when does that ish get old?

I dare you!

“You'll never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine…
I dare you to let me be your one and only”

Though I’m a tad bit salty about not getting tickets to Adele’s show in Philly (which sold out in 15 minutes), I’ve still been listening to the album constantly. She’s got one song called “One and Only” that I really love. She basically dares someone to open their heart and allow her to show them that she’s different. Not saying she’s perfect by any means, but not the same as those that came before.

I know that our experiences shape our perceptions and even our reality in most cases. But at one point do we allow ourselves to move past those experiences and the hurt from the past into something new without brining those feelings along for the ride? Of course healing takes time which isn’t a fixed number and varies greatly by individual. How can you allow yourself to be open again after being hurt, though? Honesty and trust are a given for that to happen. And like Adele, I dare you to forgive your past and open yourself up to what is to come.
Love and be Loved.

I've been meaning to tell you...

So I haven’t been able to blog lately. Been busy. I decided to just put all of the things I’ve been wanting to say in one post. Like to hear it? Here it go.

While you “love your hair”( I love this little video BTW and the story behind it), I’ll be whipping my (permed) hair back and forth, k?
The funny thing is that a guy asked me to post about the natural hair crusaders. Apparently the fellas excluding the ones that refer to themselves as God or you as Queen and Nile River Princess are actually JUST as tired of hearing about the natural hair movement as I am. I get that some of you had unhealthy hair or decided to go au natural to get healthier hair. I do contest that you can have healthy hair either way if you know what you are doing, but that’s neither here or there. To these women, I have no qualms with you. But to those of you that are convinced that every sista with relaxed or otherwise processed hair has some type of self-hate issue…get over yourself. I love that people forget about the half of Africa where people have hair that is fine and straight. Not to mention the fact that my bloodline ain’t pure so maybe I’m embracing the “Indian” in me. Truthfully, I feel like so many chicks are doing it because it-like most other things they do- is a fad. Here’s a novel idea, do what works for you and let that be the reason for it. Puhleez don’t go holding your nose higher than someone else because you are ok with your kinky hair-mine is really curly, I choose to straighten it because it works for me!

When did yall get so needy?
This is a legit question of mine. Now perhaps every guy I’ve met lately has been used to women beatin’ down the door, blowin’ up their phone, and bustin’ windows out their car beggin’ for attention but here’s a newsflash: THAT AIN’T ME. Calling or texting me with the “I don’t pay you enough attention” line isn’t a way to get more attention from me. I can promise you that. Here’s a thought, maybe I really am busy. Or maybe I’m just not into you like that. Either way, you whining about it is not cute in the least bit. Sigh….

The “black woman” attitude
I’m sure by now we have all seen the “Black Marriage Negotiations” and all of the other videos along those lines. I think they are hilarious and sad all in the same right. I know women like this. They are my friends. I fear they will be single forever. You know women like this too. Honestly, think to yourself, if you were a guy…how many of your friends would you actually date? I know the number on my list is limited. These attitudes are getting on my nerve and I share the same hormone make-up as yall, I can only imagine how guys feel! Ladies, life isn’t that serious. Relax, breathe, chill, live in the moment for once. And un-frown your face! UGH! Maybe if you were more approachable, you’d find that the “there are no single, datable guys” thing is just a line that women use because they have made themselves so unapproachable that they repel any potential suitors. Or atleast someone wanting to “smang”. HA!

What's Mine is Mine. What's Yours is Mine.

There’s Yours. There’s Mine. And there’s OURS. (or at least that’s the way most of it goes in our generation)

Gone are the days when you get married and everything is joined together with the exception of that secret stash that your momma told you to keep to the side just in case . I could be wrong, but I think that more and more-couples are doing the “you, me, and we” thing when it comes to finances. I can’t really say that I blame them either.

Driving to work the other day and pondering the disgusting amount of student loan debt before me…I got to thinking. Is it really fair to expect someone else to be responsible for this ish? Do I want to be responsible for the debts of someone else that were incurred before we were even in each other’s lives? For me it is less about suddenly being responsible for someone’s previous life and more about the amount. The average medical student graduates finishes with over $100,000 in debt. Is it really fair to expect someone to be partially responsible for that one obvious answer is yes, since that person is probably reaping the benefits of the lifestyle that comes with being a doctor ? I’m puzzled by this one, really. I guess it’s one thing to come in with a little credit card debt here and there…or a car note…and then there’s the house that you’ll eventually get together, but I’m just not sure I’m for merging all that student loan debt together. Now, if the other person has no problem with it-I’m all for it. But that automatic, “you put a ring on it now alllll insert body roll of this is yours (including these commitments to Sallie, the US, AES , CITI, Wachovia, BofA, Wells Fargo, and the list goes on)…I’m just not so sure about.

Ok , tell me how you feel about it. Are you expecting your mate to be responsible for your student loan debt once y’all jump that broom or do you plan to flex on the devil when that subject comes up? Talk to me!

Living For Yourself

Our interactions and relationships with other people have an impact on our actions, thoughts, and words. It's pretty much a fact. Ideally these relationships would only have a positive influence on our lives and maybe bend, stretch, or change us for the better but this isn't always the case looking at you Bobby for what you did to my dear Whitney .

You have to be able to evaluate the relationships in your life and determine whether or not they are assets or liabilities. As much as you may like, love, or desire someone, you have to be honest about your relationship with them and how it affects your life. We don't like to take this type of inventory because it hurts to realize that some people are more harmful than helpful. In the same breath, you need to look at the people making deposits into your life and maybe re-visit some of the things they've been saying. A real friend isn't afraid to tell you what they see going on. It may not be what you see or even what you want to hear. But taking a step back and at least considering the words of others might help you get clarity on your situation.

How does this all come to living for yourself? Well it starts with loving yourself above all. You've got to love yourself enough to make the best decisions for you. No the timing for releasing someone from your life might not be ideal, but staying may only fan the flame or worse-fuel the fire. I fully believe that people were brought into our lives for specific reasons. I also know that not everyone was meant to be in your life for a lifetime. That means that at some point some people have to be let go. Holding on or waiting for a better time can breed resentment which makes the situation worse than what it started off as. Take a moment, take a thought. Weigh your options and move forward in your best interest. You can't live for someone else and your cant change them unless they want to be changed.

Vulnerability

I almost feel that it's a common misconception that women don't have egos when it comes to relationships. Women are assumed to be the sensitive ones that are all about the romance of love (the lovey-dovey of it all). But the truth is...women have a bit of an ego and a little pride too when it comes to relationships. Just as guys don't want to make a move for fear of rejection, ladies get that feeling too. It takes a lot of put yourself out there and really appear vulnerable. I think this is especially tricky for single and successful brown girls. Because Amerika views us in so many ways (confident, bold, and on top of everything) it can be hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open yourself up. So there's got to be a compromise, I suppose. To some degree you have to be willing to put yourself out there to get what you want. After all, we do it in other areas of our lives without hesitation. But then there's the aspect of being prepared for what may come. By nature, humans like to be in control of situations. The reality is that we actually can't be in control of EVERY situation...so there's a fine line to negotiate between being prepared (to some degree) for various outcomes and not over-analyzing or thinking the situation...

Just my thoughts...

These two ears...

Ever wonder if you're being punked? Seriously- I wait for Ashton and a camera crew to pop up out of the bushes or from behind the door.

Yesterday my phone rings (I know you read the blog now, so feel special that this post is about you) and its an ex. I was tempted to not answer it. I actually expected the camera crew to come through then to catch the reaction on my face when the number showed up...I figured it would be the same conversation that had been texted to me over the past couple months and since I'd forgiven in my heart. I didn't think anything else needed to be said...but "what if it's important" came up so I answered. The conversation wasn't at all what I expected it to be. He needed an ear (or two) and a few words. We actually had a good conversation.

I know that I'm a listener. I can take a survey of those I'm close to and I'm sure they will say the same. But in the midst of the conversation with him, I realized just why it is that I've never really seriously dated someone that I wasn't friends with before. Without a friendship foundation....these conversations wouldn't be possible. Being someone's friend is being there to listen to them and support and help them along the way. Barring certain reasons for ending a relationship (i.e. violence, cheating) it is possible to still be friends with someone after. You never really know why God puts you in someone's path. Seriously. You may have thought it was for one reason but as time goes on, you realize that it was about something else entirely.

The man and his money

Today's chapter in The Power to Prosper talked about Matrimonial Money. Not a chapter to skip for us single folk, but one that makes you think about the characteristics that you look for in a potential life-mate when it comes to their finances.

I know that this is something that women and men talk about everyday on some level. Women want a "six figga ___" and men want a woman that is "makin that money". That's usually about the extent of the conversation. Its about tangible finances and what your "ideal" mate would have in hand, in the bank, or in assets. And since we are so accustomed to creating lists of impossible characteristics that we mandate in a mate that really only keeps you in a state of perpetual singleness lists, then why not add some worthwhile characteristics to that list that might help us identify not only what is important to us, but the type of person that would compliment, contradict, or enhance our financial personalities.

I really have been blessed to date okgood guys. And for the most part, they have been money savy and financially smart. What's better is that they attempted impart some of this knowledge on me but I'm rather hard-headed . So my experiences with them, my guy friends, and people that I meet everyday cause me to look at the characteristics, not some laundry list of physical or status attribute, that I'd like in my life-mate. I know that it would not be wise for me to date someone with the same financial head as me. I'm a work in progress. Learning better and definitely doing better, BUT dating and potentially marrying someone who has my past mindset or relationship is surely a no go. I'm a spender (working on that) so marrying someone else who is a spender would lead to debt and financial ruin. I want someone who is financially responsible. One that doesn't mind spending more on somethings and less on others but considers the bigger picture as well. One that makes careful decisions. Someone who saves and invests to build wealth for the future. A man that values education and works to ensure that his children will not have to create debt to obtain an education. He would also be a tither and a giver. One that knows the principles of tithing and why and sees the importance of giving and sowing into others.

My little list is based in part on the vision I have for my future and what I'd like for it to look like. Each of these things point to another personality or character asset that my mate will have. But these are just my thoughts.

What's important to you in a mate? Does their financial handling matter to you?

That 90 Day Rule...

The other day I posted a conversation between me and Mr. Random which briefly mentioned the 90 day rule thing. Ivy League Neck Tats' author J-Full commented about his dislike for the 90 day rule and even wrote about his perspective on the rule. Check it out here.

Reading his comments, blog, and reflecting on various conversations I've had with other people- I thought I'd just clarify my position on the 90 day rule. For the record, I am not a fan of that damn book that people quote like its the bible. I haven't read it, but from what I've heard, it all seemed like a bunch of common sense written and bound. (I digress)

I actually side with the guys on this one and think that the 90 day rule is pretty "stupid" for lack of a better word. I get that it allows time to get to know someone, see if they are interested in you beyond sex, blah blah, but really is 90 days enough? Is it too little? Why is there a defined date? When do you start counting from- the day you got the number or the first date? Its too much to keep up with. It seems like a rather arbitrary number that isn't too short to too long and gives women a reason to hold out for a while...cuz Uncle Steve said so. .:sideeye:.

Personally, I think that there is no definite timeline for sex or intimacy or kissy face. Honestly, you have to evaluate how you feel about the person, the situation, and where it is going/where you want it to go. Promising a man sex in 90 days does what? Either he spends the first 89 putting in work to show you that he's worthy of a 90th day good time, he spends 89 days gettin' it in with someone else, OR he waits and isn't pressed about a 90th day or a 120th day because he's interested in getting to know you and grow a relationship with you. Its less about the sex, more about respecting your (or his) wish to wait and move slower. Warning: that last bit ain't for everybody.

JFULL was right about a lot of things. Making a man wait for 90 days doesn't mean that he will have more respect for you. So you are able to stick to a countdown? Congrats. It actually seems silly to wait 90 days if this is your motivation. If a man was going to respect you in the first place, it likely wasn't based on whether or not your got down before 90 days were up. If we as women would move past that to see that respect comes from your character and how you carry yourself...we all might be in a better place.

Many of you that know me (personally) may find all of this ironic that I'm weighing in on the subject. I'm upfront with guys that I meet. I'm honest about my situation and I give the option to play it out and see where it goes or to take that as their cue to exit stage left. I love that so many women were able to use the advice from the book to make some changes within. But really think about these things before you go assigning random ideas any real value. It is important to have standards and an ideal plan in place? Yes. If you prefer to wait for sex or not have sex at all that is your prerogative (who knew that word had an extra r?). But is waiting on a magical date really what you want? Are you expecting some epiphany on that day that will say yes make the move because its day 90? What if that day comes before #90 or after?

Just something to make you think...

Red Flags...

presented to you by Life.

So many conversations I've had recently with my girlies have dealt with red flags, signs, and people showing themselves in general. How we choose to respond once we've been presented with these things has a major influence on where our lives go, which paths we take, and what we encounter along the way.

You know there is old saying that goes "When people show you who they are, believe them." These are wise words passed from generation to generation yet they go ignored so many times. Then we end with heartbreak, hurt, frustration, and the things that comes along with that. We've got to change this ASAPtually. Let's STOP ignoring these signs that we encounter in our relationships with other people. Let's stop assuming that they will change with time or that we can change that person. It's highly unlikely that this will be the case and instead you set yourself up for hurt and frustration. YOU have the power to avoid this all together if you just pay attention to who people are.

Take them at their word. We (speaking in general terms for men and women) tend to hear what people say and then insert the meaning that we want to associate with the words. STOP! Listen to what was said and take heed. You know "word is bond" so we should be careful of the words that fall out of our mouth. Think first, speak later. Just as you are taking people at what they say...you too must be accountable for your lip slips.

Pay attention to actions. Words are one thing, actions are another. Saying one thing but doing another a favored past time for some people. Seriously. Talk is cheap and is often a tactic to appease. If the actions don't match...the words mean nothing. Your words should be a preface for the things you do. They should reflect the person that are are (actively).

Once you've decided that you are going to take notice of these red flags you have to decide what that means for YOU- not what your girls or guys think, but FOR YOU. Are these things that you can live with? Is it something that you can accept? What affect does it have on you? After a little bit of thought you may realize that the thing you perceived as a red flag was really just a preference difference and shouldn't result in a dismissal of the situation OR you may find that it is just the beginning of a long list of things, words, and actions that don't "match your swag". Think hard before you make a decision. Make up your mind.THEN Act. No longer should we sit by idly waiting on the other person to make a change or make a move for us. Let's "take the sugar off the rim" and make a move ourselves!

THIS kind of love

Yesterday I came across an article on the Philadelphia Inquirer's website (go figure) about this couple that was celebrating 80 years of Marriage! I clicked the link and there was this beautiful black couple surrounded by friends and family as they celebrated being with one another for 80 years! Do you know how long that is? The story was absolutely beautiful and from what I've read and seen in the pictures, they were truly a blessed couple to have stayed connected and committed so long. It was truthfully a great start for my Black History Month to see something so beautiful.

Fast forward to tonite. I went to church for bible study (our first of the year!) and instead of hearing a message, the pastor informed us that one of the deacons had passed on yesterday. I did know that this man had been in the hospital but because I missed last Sunday (frikin' snow), I wasn't aware of how he was doing. Sadly, Deacon Grier passed yesterday so tonight Pastor Jenkins decided to just dedicate the service to his memory and just let people share their thoughts and memory. Nearly every person that spoke (many were couples) mentioned Deacon Grier's commitment to his wife and his marriage and how that helped them in their own marriages. Mr. & Mrs. Grier were married for 61 years. Again....do you know how long that is? One man actually counted the number of days that is..it's something like 222 thousand. I can probably count on one hand the number of people that didn't mention Deacon Grier's example of marriage or his affect on their marriage.

I want that. Something that can be an example. Something that withstands the many tests of time. I feel that marriage is just the "in" thing to do for so many people and when it gets hard, tough, or you simply get tired of looking at the other person...it's "on to the next one". What happened to staying together with your mate? What happened to actually courting someone to decide if they should be your life partner?

The Pursuer and the Pursued

By nature...women want to be desired and pursued. It's simple...and its timeless. It's just the way (most) women are built. Sure, we may throw out a few hints or even approach a guy BUT in the end the goal is to not be the pursuer, instead we want to be pursued. So sometimes we may not blatantly say "I want..." because we want you to give a little. Make a move. I know in the day of the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman it can be difficult to negotiate the lines of which moves to make, however, there are still some women who subscribe to some of the traditional roles of men and women and actually want you to take the lead. Once you've decided to do this..then you must say what you mean/feel. I know that might be asking A LOT since many men don't verbalize these things on a regular basis. But just as men are not mind readers...neither are women. If you want to spend time with me...say it...don't leave things open to the other person's interpretation-that's where communication mishaps come from!

Your move...

Cheater, Cheater....pumpkin eater...

Please forgive my childlike title but I work in pediatrics all day!

I came across this article at the New York Post about a woman who is obviously hurt by the ending of an affair that decided to get revenge in a BIG way. I sent the article to a male friend and his reply was "What's the deal with politicians not keeping their pants on?' My response was "What's the deal with MEN not keeping their pants on?" Now to be fair...for the most part there is also a woman involved and she shouldn't get off scott free either. Affairs are "all the rage" it seems. Every other day we are hearing of another famed person who has decided to step-out and see what they've been missing since they were in this committed relationship.

To be clear, I'm not a fan of cheating and I try not to judge because I don't know everyone's story (and you don't either). But I can not, for the life of me, understand why cheating seems like the thing to do. If you are someone who feels like you are gonna miss out on life by being in a relationship- then why not just save some people the heartache and the heartbreak and don't enter into those kinds of relationships. I don't think that every man that has cheated has had the intention to do so. Individual situations may have simply presented the opportunity. But for men (and women) who carry on these lifelong affairs...I just can't respect that. If you need to have a constant affair with a person over the course of YEARS then WHY are you still married? Are you that greedy and selfish that you must have it all? How much do you love your wife if you are willing to blatantly disrespect your union? And for the mistress...why is it so easy to have no regards for another woman's relationship. Is it really THAT good? Do you honestly think that you are going to get a lifelong, loving and committed relationship out of this in the end? (I know this does happen in some cases) But honestly, these situations often leave the wife and the mistress hurt...leading to busted windows, slashed tires, and GIGANTIC billboards!

I guess I'd rather you take your time and be sure that this is what you want before committing than feeling the need to pressure into doing something you aren't ready for. Maybe its just me...

Matching Swag (for lack of a better term)

I'm a people watcher. I observe people and their interactions. It's just something I do. What's been puzzling me lately has been the increasing number of guys that I've seen dating or in relationships with women that don't match their "swag" so to speak. This problem is not unique to men, plenty of women do the same thing. I was talking with a gentleman last night and it came up in conversation. The more I learn about myself and what I want from relationships, the role I wish to play, etc...the more I realize different things around me.

Now to clarify what I mean about swag. I'm not talking about clothes, style, essence- at least not entirely. I'm talking about something more-ambitions, moves being made, professional and family goals and the like. We talked about being equally yoked and what that means today in dating. I can't understand how some guys are dating women who are complacent with where they are. No goals. Not trying to better themselves. OR dating women who won't work well in the arena that they are trying to move in. I know some say that you can't help who you fall in love with. AND NO I'm not knocking women who haven't necessarily been exposed to various things in life BUT if she's not trying to learn more and do better...then what's the point. I've talked with a few guys about this and not many of them (those working towards greatness) want to date a woman who can't get dressed up to be shown off at the company gala because she's got a 'baby daddy' tat on her Arms, Legs, Backs, and Breasts ('betta check her tattoo-whoody Mannie Fresh). In the same line, they also don't want a woman who can't hold a conversation with the people in various circles. SO MY QUESTION is why are you even dating these women?

I recognize that to some I may seem picky. There are certain qualities that I look for in someone that I choose to date. Does this person match my swag? Can I see myself supporting them in their endeavors and would they support mine? This doesn't mean that I'm going to look over the guy who isn't "there" yet but is he on this way? Is he actively moving toward bettering his life? Does he mind getting dressed up to go out to mingle and socialize? Are the lives that we live and want to live compatible? I honestly think that if some people considered these things before getting into "serious" relationships with someone then time would be saved. The time that you take hoping that people will change into the person you need them to be...let's just save it. I love the idea of "taking the sugar off the rim" and being you UP FRONT. I'm me from jump. You like it or it's not for you. I'm not a fan of wasted time so I just prefer to show many (maybe not ALL) of the cards up front. Having some idea of what you might be getting into helps you not only figure out if you are up for the challenge but allows you to decide if its something that you want to invest your time in.

So with that...yeah...I'm checking for your swag..but not in the ways that you think :)

The 42%...

Recently there was a short report on Love and Successful Black Women. For many it was an eye-opener and for some it was simply a repeat of the stories told over cocktails, through texts and emails between friends, or just before class starts among a group a brown girls at prestigious universities. What became of this report however..is the loud echo of THE 42%! (42% of Successful Black Women that are UN-married).

The 42% has been blamed on several things: outrageous standards and expectations, the lack of "marriageable" black men, black girl attitude, and the list goes on. Truthfully, to get wrapped up in the 42% could probably lead to depression but I simply can't get with those who moan and complain about it. To be in the 58% you've got to first work on YOURSELF. I know that a lot of the "successful" black women that this number refers to appear to have it all. Career, cars, clothes, homes, friends...you know...THE life. But many also carry issues that can be barriers to becoming a part of the 58%. Among those issues are self esteem, expectations, and limits or restrictions on themselves and their relationships.

1. Self-Esteem. This can be a GOOD or BAD thing. Black women are often wrongly perceived to have an attitude or to have "issues'. I'm not saying that these things aren't true in some cases, but it definitely shouldn't be a generalization. BUT it doesn't help when a woman's "self-esteem" is SO HIGH that it causes her to look down on others, think of herself as being above EVERYONE else, or to treat others as less. No one wants a woman who is too good for EVERYTHING. Having low self esteem is an obvious turn off of a real man too (note: I don't think that a Man really desires someone who thinks little of herself). If you can't think highly of yourself...how will you think highly of your mate or your children? I am not blind to the fact that women have endured situations and plights that have chipped away at their self esteem, but you gotta work on loving yourself.

2. Expectations. Again...this can be both a good or bad thing. A woman should not only have expectations for herself, but also for her mate and her family. Some women OD on the expectations though. A list of 582 things that a man MUST have is unreasonable. If you actually read them out-loud to yourself...you might realize that. I think it's important for us to look at ourselves when we make these "lists" as well. Would we fit these things if it were a list presented to us by some man? Put yourself in that person's shoes. How would you feel if you constantly felt as if you had to measure up to a 3000 item list on a piece of paper? In the same breath...having little or no expectations is dangerous. Not having some expectations leaves you open to accept "anything" that is any treatment...any disrespect...any love that they feel like giving or not giving...and the list goes on.

3. Limits and Restrictions. It's obviously healthy to have some limits and restrictions on the things that you will and won't do or will and will not allow in your life but let's remember not to OD. Telling a man "I AM NOT..." is not going to get you very many places. Does this mean that you HAVE to be down for whatever (including any and all fun girl activities) not so much, but flat out shutting down any and all requests for everything from cooking to allowing a man to be a man is not going to work. Being clear in your limits is important as a woman seeks a life mate. You should look for someone that shares in those limits, rather than someone who CLEARLY doesn't and then expect them to stick around for the "I AM NOT" speech. Aside from those things, we also tend to limit or restrict who we will and won't entertain dating. Again, there is nothing wrong with having some ideal requirements, but limiting yourself to men 6 feet 7 and above, chocolate brown and not a shade lighter or darker, and making seven figures isn't going to yield an enormous dating pool. Try something new...For some this may mean dating someone making a little less than seven figures for others it may be someone of another race or culture. Putting too many limits on yourself is not going to move you closer to the 58% club.

The moral of the story is BALANCE. Everything in moderation. Having positive self esteem is fabulous. A woman who is confident radiates in any room. Men can sense that from afar and for many its attractive. Being "too high on your own horse", however is not. Not many people want a homie, lover, or friend that walks around with their nose so far in the air that they can't see those around them. Low self-esteem is unacceptable as well. There is no doubt that certain predicaments or situations can chip away at your self esteem but what is sexier than a survivor, you know, a woman that doesn't let the things that happen to or around her affect her perception of self in a negative way? DO have expectations for yourself and your (potential) mate and your relationship. Expectations are healthy and push people to be better. Unreasonable expectations can push people away though. Don't miss out on the blessing brought to you because he doesn't clip his toenails every Tuesday at Noon* in other words* don't miss out because the person doesn't fit your ultra-specific, never-ending list of expectations. If you insist on a list (physical list) make it one that you yourself could fit into or would work towards. Finally... its great to have limits on what you are willing to do and or experience. These limits help to protect one's self inside and out. BUT balance those...don't be so uptight that you aren't willing to embark on new experiences. And puhleez stop limiting yourself to only dating one type of person. You might be pleasantly surprise with what you have been missing out on :).

The 42% number can be intimidating to a woman that doesn't know who she is and who refuses to open up and live a little. Take some time to get to know yourself and see what it is that you really desire. I believe (as a Christian) that God has someone for us but we have to get out of our own way and be open to it. So I don't know about you...but I'm looking forward to increasing that 58% number!

Being Un-Selfish

Moving along my personal journey has allowed me to learn so much about myself. Being single has given me time to learn things about me, what I desire, what my goals are, etc. I'm not saying that you can't learn these things while in a relationship, but I think being single for some period of time allows you to get to know who you really are and what you really want from life. So I am still learning the things that I do and don't desire in a mate...the things that I like and don't like...and I think that hashing those things out will eventually put me in a relationship that is both interesting and loving.

A part of the lesson involves reflection (of course) on past relationships. Now I know that it took me way longer than it should have (and I know someone who would agree) to realize that I've actually been blessed to date really good guys. With maybe one exception...every guy that I've seriously dated has been a genuinely good guy. I, however, didn't realize how good I had it and perhaps I took these people and those relationships for granted. So as I continue to pray that God brings the right person into my life, I actually find myself thanking Him for those that he's brought in the past and pray that He brings an appreciative woman into their lives.

I was having a conversation with someone that I used to date the other day that I am still good friends with. He was telling me of a person that he is currently dating and about how he is thinking of making it "official" with the girl. My response was "whatever makes you happy" and he informed me that on some level it mattered to him what I thought about the relationship. The truth is that he and I are friends and while he is an AWESOME guy...a relationship isn't in the cards for us at this time (or as far as I know). I truly want him to be happy so why wouldn't I want him with someone that does just that-makes him happy? I like the way it feels to be unselfish and to want the best for others.

Let them GO!

As I've said before, there are people and relationships that are only meant to be a part of your life for a defined time or "season". The length of time spent with this person varies and could be as short as a minute or as long as ALMOST a lifetime. Being able to recognize when the time to end or walk away from that person or relationship is not a "gift" but it isn't always the easiest thing to do. I've heard several times before and after the new year that we need to leave some people in 2009 and not bring them into the new year or the new decade.

As my pastor said a few Sundays ago...there are some people that shouldn't have even made it into 2009 but did AND NOW they are trying to find their way into 2010. You have to know when enough is enough. You deserve better than some people can give you. I deserve better than the relationship I've had with some people. Be it my fault, theirs, or due to some other circumstances...I have to love myself enough to leave unhealthy relationships in the past.

Apologies are great and the help provide closure in some way, but they don't always mend a relationship or even guarantee that it will improve. I've prayed for the people in my life that I've decided to leave in 2009-to not let into MY 2010 and bring the negative energy. I've prayed that they have better lives with peace and joy and love, and I've prayed for myself to not only have the strength to let the relationship go- but also to truly be able to forgive them and not hold any ill feelings toward them.

New year....new people...new relationships