Send me a pic of you...

I can’t figure out why this text is sent SO often. Maybe I really am paranoid or super secretive, but this question is actually extremely annoying to me and is the reason that I’ve cut many a conversation short.

So I need to know from our man-readers, what is the point of this question? Why is it that after (some of) you meet a woman, you request a text pic? The answer to that is of interest but truthfully the reasoning behind it doesn’t matter all that much to me. The better question is why do you come at me sideways when I reply “naw, I’m good.” Trust me, following up with the question “what? You don’t trust me?” Isn’t going to get the conversation any further.

Let me just let you know a little about me. I barely send pictures to my momma’nem via text. I don’t know you, so if you think you are about to get the same privileges that the woman that birthed me BARELY gets, you thought wrong.

It’s not that I don’t trust people, but, I don’t trust people. I mean, I’m no celebrity so im not worried about you putting the pic up on some website or anything like that. But, I’m a control freak. So as much as possible, I control my image. I live in Washington, no one trusts anyone lol. I got a career and a future to watch out for. I can’t have u getting arrested and among all of your drug dealing text messages is picture of me (talking to you Detroit D-boy).

Maybe I just don’t get it.

Where did you come from?

People never cease to amaze me. I mean really, like, baffle me and leave me with the o_O face.

Why is that people seem to come out the woodwork unannounced? What is their purpose? It’s only Monday and already this is a long week BUT thankfully in 3 days there will be sun in my face, sand in my toes, and drank in my cup.

I spent half of the day out of the office yesterday. When I returned, there was an email from someone I dated in high school/some of college in my inbox. A person that I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS. He said that he was looking for LMLOL who went to school in our hometown and apologized if he’d reached the wrong person. o_O face number one. So I respond with a very dry, “hey, what’s up?” I then tried to figure out how in the world he got my email address. I keep a regular tab on my Google search so I knew that wasn’t it. We don’t really talk to the same people (namely because so many people we both know-care not for him). I looked at his email address again and saw that he worked for a bank that serviced one of my student loans, but surely he didn’t get my information from there. So he wrote back and I had to ask how he got it. He then told me that he’s an investment banker at said bank and was wondering what I was up to one day and decided to search my name. And since I had a loan with them- he had my info. WTF?! Are you serious? That is unethical , illegal, and a violation of privacy. I wonder if people say the things they are thinking of doing out loud to see if it makes any damn sense. o_O face number two.
So we talk verbally later. And I feel its one of those conversations where someone asks you a question so you can ask them and they can elaborate about their lives, blah, blah, blah. One of my close friends does that- its pretty annoying. So he catches me up on his life. He just bought a house, has a good job, married, expecting a baby. Sounds like he’s living the American dream. Who’da thought the guy I knew would be this man. Congrats to him on all that…now why exactly did you break some laws to contact me?

I’m a fan of everyone moving on in life. I guess this is easier for some, but I just think there is a difference in finding someone on facebook (where I am not searchable) and running their name and fining their financial record to figure out where they live (as he mentioned “oh you live in ____ now, huh”. A casual run in is what it is, but a calculated move is a bit much (and symptomology of stalkerism- check the DSM-IV). My advice to him, the girl that is now engaged and called her ex to share her nightly dreams about him despite her engagement, and all other people who once were but currently aren’t- no need to thrust yourself back into the light of someone else’s life. Time evolves as do people, keep it moving.

Who am I? No, WHO ARE YOU?

Yesterday was soo trying at work. Around 10am our internet/server decided to consider suicide because the rainbow had been enough quit. Have you ever really considered your dependence on the internet? I think we all learned yesterday that we (as people) don’t function well without the ability to be distracted by facebook, YouTube, or Twitter. People were literally walking around trying to find something to do because without the internet, we clearly couldn’t do anything!

So after sitting around twiddling my thumbs (read: cleaning up my desk, attempting to do work that I thought didn’t require access but realizing that 99.1% of my work relies on internet/server connectivity), I decided to get up and walk around. Actually, I only stayed at work because I wanted to go to spin and happy hour with my co-workers. I bounced early and decided to spin on my own and that I’d meet them at the bar since it was next door. I didn’t get to actually work out but that’s another story for another day.

Fast forward to happy hour. After a few rounds of apps and drinks, everyone was having a good time. We established that the two awkward acting folks were indeed a couple and though they are trying to not say it, getting up from the table at the same time and saying “we have to go home now” pretty much tells all. Anywho, while I ventured down to the other end of the table, some pleasantly plump chick took a seat next to mine. People seemed to know her. And since I don’t know everyone at the company, I just figured I’d meet her when I returned to my seat. I wrapped up my convo and went back to my seat. Now, this chick looked like the type to have 100 cats at home and limited social skills. She was bragging about how she has her bosses trained to bring her back stuff from their trips if she really had them, she’d be GOING on some of these trips so I just sat and listened. Then she turned to me and said “ Oh who do you know, you don’t work at (name of company)”. My guess is that she was probably singing "one of these things is not like the other" in her head too.

My response: “well I have this badge that grants me access….so I’d say that I do. “
She proceeds to say that she’s never seen me and just assumed that I knew someone at the table. Now, there are like 5 black people in our whole damn office. And no, we’ve never met, but everyone at the table works together so why would you assume that I didn’t? I listened as some folks tried to smooth it over, saying well she changed her hair, maybe that’s why chunkiness didn’t recognize me. I didn’t really care, actually her being embarrassed at how convinced she was that I didn’t work there was enough for me.

I do it for my people!

I’m young, single, no attachments, and I’ve made it a point to just experience life. But I swear, some of this stuff… I do it for the story.

After Arkansas’ win on Saturday I was energized mostly because I’d been in bed for half the day so I decided I was going to go out and grab a drink…Solo. I wanted a pineapple spicy from Buddha Bar so I figured why not? I got dressed and hopped in the car.

As I was leaving my neighbors car was outside of the gate. We’ve exchanged glances and smiles a few times, so I waved per the usual. For about a second, I was distracted by the four TV screens lit up in his car…but I digress. Anyway, he was putting something in his back seat, waved back, and got in his car. He pulled up next to me and asked when we were going out…unfortunately the lights kept changing soo we never connected.

SB from this story: went to Buddha Bar and landed me a sponsor (who told me that my mom told me to watch out for those Italian men) lol. My friend met me there just after my sponsor left. We chatted for a bit and were greeted by the crying game, a hostile J, and a prostitute after leaving. iCant.

Back to the neighbor. So I left him a note since we never got to finish our convo Saturday night. Talking to him today and he’s 21 (for a few more hours) <- his words. Umm I think that makes me a cougar. He also tells me that I can’t pronounce his name, and he was right ‘cause I have no clue how to even go about that one. I stumble across his myspace page….which literally had me dying (well that and the conversations about this from gchat). Digression: As I’m typing this…the “sponsor” just texted me about grabbing dinner, hmmmm. Where were we, oh yea. So he has a my space. Is he 12? So I ask him what he does…he’s in the military…and he works at Domino’s. Now, my awesome friends are really going in at this point. Some feel that if nothing else, I can get some free pizza but I don’t even really eat domino’s , others are asking me if I’m crazy, cuz I’m thinking of getting drinks with the kid. I mean…he’s legal right. My mom thinks I should go…and she’s 100% against the sponsor, my dad thinks the sponsor is hilarious. This is great. I generally don’t date folks younger than my sister though….sooo….hmmm.

I should probably just do it, right?

Adventures in Merryland: The Adventure Park at Sandy Spring Friends School

The day finally came. We were going to the Adventure Park at Sandy Spring. Over the summer, we saw an ad for it in a local paper and I wasn’t completely sold on the idea of going. Jaz, of course, was. Then I wrote that post after my flight to Vegas about conquering “fears” and being more adventurous. Lo and behold, a Groupon popped up for the Adventure Park and it was on from there.

Satruday afternoon we got in the car and headed to uncharted land. Sidebar: there is a whole “religious row” in Maryland. Has anyone ever seen it? There is a house of worship for like EVERY religion there. Crazy. Anyway we soon found ourselves amongst big houses with huge yards for a moment I thought I was back home , horses, and grass.

We arrived to a clearing, parked in the grass, and were met by stink bugs and this furry little caterpillar.

After putting our name on the list, we waited around for them to call us. The place was pretty busy and there was a wait. In the meantime, we asked some people who were finishing up-what their thoughts were. Surprisingly there were quite a few brown folks there. There was even a group of about 4-5 sistas doing the course together. I was quite proud of us actually.

They called our number. We got harnessed. Got the gloves. And went to safety training. All was well at this point. Then we started to climb to the main platform and I felt a wee bit of a “punk out” coming on. I convinced Jaz to start on a beginner course and we got started. Once we got going, it wasn’t so bad. We crossed a few bridges, walked some rope. And then got to the zip line-Jaz went first. I was left on the platform with two strangers. And I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I mean, really, who thought that being suspended from a wire connected to two trees was a good idea. I hooked in and sat on the platform and the chick behind me just said- “scream if you need to”. So I let go and screamed realllllllllly loud. OMG I loved it. By that time the course was starting to get a bit backed up, I’d missed calls from 27 who was meeting us there, and there was a set of deer getting their eat on below us. OK, I know we are in their “home” and what not, but why were these deer so firkin comfortable just eating while there are folks flying and running around them? I was absolutely not ok with the deer. By this point, the reason for the back up had been identified. These three women were waiting on each other before starting the next bridge. So now everyone is pissed and finally someone yells at them to keep it moving. 27 arrived and watched us finish up the course. She and I hit another beginner course which we finished in like 5 minutes. There was a little girl on the zip line who was soo scared to go. I guess her dad got fed up with her crying and just left her there. Talk about tough love. I guess he figured that if she really wanted to get down, she would get a rescue or hook onto that zip line and keep it moving. Anyway, that one was much easier. Perhaps it was because I’d just done one on the same level, I’m not sure. We finished it quickly and I think that Jaz was only like halfway done with her “green” course so we started on a “green” of our own. It was cool, lots of bending around structures and walking on tightropes. It was a bit tiring though. So we did about half and decided to use the escape ladder to call it quits for the day. UMMM…the ladder wasn’t anchored to the ground. And I was beyond sure that I was going to smack right into that tree, but I didn’t :).

We got down, got water, and started talking to Dan, the lumberjack-carpenter-outdoorsman, and all around sweetheart. Dan was building a campfire for the Night Crawl event. (Sidebar: I don’t know who in their right mind would do those courses at night wearing only a head light and a glowstick, but to each his own I suppose). Anyway, we talked to Dan for a while and then the evening got interesting.
I pulled my ticket out of my shirt pocket as we headed towards the car. And went over to the other pocket to get my key. Umm…it aint thurr. Yes, read that out loud. WHERE IS MY KEY? So I tell Dan that I lost it and he gives me a headlight to go into the woods and search it out. After a few minutes of looking, we had nothing. Then we get stopped by some chicks to take a picture of them and I think I snapped at first. I didn’t mean to, heck they didn’t know that I’d just misplaced a $300 key. Anyway, as we are thinking out the options- Jaz asks if AAA would be any help. Yes, AAA can open the car, I can pop the trunk, we can get the keys to my apartment and I can get my spare and get my car. She gets on the phone with them and I decide to call my apartment complex to see if someone could let me in just in case AAA is going to take hours to get here. The woman says that my complex doesn’t offer lock-out services after hours. WTF. Yep, it’s more than time to move for soooo many reasons . AAA says it will be like 45 minutes. 27 offers to take me home to get my spare. She leaves to get some food but because there is NOTHING out here in the woods, her adventure takes a while. Jaz and I sat around Dan’s campfire until the AAA man arrived. He didn’t call first. He pulled right up (he later told us that he’s been here a few times for lock-outs). He was also bumping rap music. The AAA man MUST be a rapper. David gets out the car, very Eminem-esque. Tatted up- but so professional. He broke into my car (legally) and the alarm went off, simply because the iKey wasn’t around. I tried to pop the trunk. NOTHING! Apparently as a security feature, the trunk won’t open without the iKey present. ARRGH and just as I’m freaking out- David tells me to calm down. He climbs into the back seat, pulls down the seat, and gets my purse and Jaz’s bag out of the trunk. He put everything back where it was. Yes, I’m harping on his good service because lots of customer service people give TERRIBLE service but David was GREAT! We get into the car, turn the alarm off. Jaz retrieves her AAA card and 27 pulls up. Perfect timing. We go home, get the key, and we return to my car. I leave my info at the park just in case someone finds the key.

At this point, I’ve accepted that I’m down to one key because I just don’t see myself purchasing another iKey anytime soon. Oh well, at least it made for an interesting story right?

Fast forward to Sunday. I got a call from an unknown number and since black people don’t answer calls from unknown numbers, I let it ring / . I listened to the voicemail. It was John. Another guy from the park. SOMEONE FOUND MY KEY! I went right over and picked it up. Dan was there, harnessing folks. He and John were happy that someone found it and so was I! Great ending to an eventful weekend.

Speed Dating Recap

Edited: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. but you know who you are

Fried or Fertilized

That was the top question on my list.

I got a call from Jaz yesterday inviting me to a Speed Date event in the city. Never one to disappoint… I was in.

We arrive at the venue and its-small. We made our way through the crowd to the bar only to be bumped and bruised by DC’s anti-finest. It was like we were at an event for the young and rude. Only in DC have I repeatedly experienced fancy rude men. Ugh. After waiting at the crowded bar for like 10 we finally order our drinks. It’s Wednesday night, and while the rest of the crowd was going “HAM” –we opted for beer (which without fail becomes the topic of conversation). So we wander around for a minute to find a place to squat. After settling in- this guy says he’s not going to participate in speed dating because he was surrounded by enough women right where he was. OK- so as he talked Jaz’s ear off about how they do the same job (which they don’t), why she’s drinking a beer (and he’s empty handed), and what his name is (which I suppose, she was supposed to guess based on the initials monogrammed on his shirt)- I looked past them to observe the room. I took inventory of the other chicks in the room and I genuinely felt bad for some of them. The look of desperation and thirst was painted on with emotional body paint. I could tell they were serious about the event and catchin’ them a man I blame all those damn CNN reports for this . SO then the annoying guy starts talking to his friend with the grey linen (read: summer appropriate fabric) jacket and a big butt which literally knocked me over because he felt the need to “squeeze” by me. Your arse is too big for that. And didn’t say excuse me. Ugh.

The event was a little disorganized. So as we waited for our “round” we started to look at the guys that hadn’t gone yet and knew that we would be in for quite the ….experience. We sat down for one round but were booted by the organizers and side-eyed by a couple thirsty chicks who were anxiously awaiting their turn to meet Mr. Right now because of a “mix up” so we went downstairs to the grown folks lounge until it was our time. When we came back upstairs we met T-. He was sitting at the bar, with a plate of burger and fries. I was debating about asking him for a French fry buy damn if he hadn’t devoured them by the time that I looked back down at his plate. He went on to explain that he’s a student so he only eats a meal a day or something and that his momma only taught him to cook eggs and steak (which he can’t afford), so he starves.

At some point in the night we started a question list. The first three questions were: (1) fried or fertilized, (2) can you teach me how to dougie, and (3) Gucci or waka? The entire list was 12 questions long , but I knew that I would get what I needed from those three questions. My rationale: if you entertained any of these questions then you probably don’t take yourself too seriously and are laid back, I can dig that.

Finally, it was our turn to sit. Now to the stank heffa that saw me toss my purse in the seat and proceeded to sit at the table anyway and then acted like I was speaking Latin (yes, I know it’s not a spoken language) when I told her that there was an open seat at the other table…you get a “chile please.” We held our spots down anyway and jumped right in. In summary : all but maybe one or two of the guys I met were Kappas though I ‘m not sure they were all Nupes , were either from Durham or Michigan, and were either in law or medical school or were currently practicing. To be fair-this event was hosted by HU Law students so I guess that was to be expected. And I’m not sure but I think some of them may have had some “challenges”, I’m not sure if it was the really slow talking or the creepy smile, but yeah.

Ok so now onto the characters we met:

First up was curly haired Nupe –Morehouse Grad. He was nice. He was from Detroit and had no desire of going back. He’s Georgia barred so his plan is to move to Atlanta in 6-9 months though he said that he’s been saying that same thing for 6-9 months. There wasn’t really anything standout about him. I’m not sure that I even got to the questions list with him so…..

Uh I don’t even remember the order of these people….

Grey shirt nu Kappa.- ok his head was a little large, his speech was a little slow, and his smile was creepy. When asked “fried or fertilized” his answer was fertilized (as was the choice of everyone that I asked) and NONE of them knew what I was referring to. He was from Durham. I think he was a law student but I was just really confused by his presence. I think I was a little creeped out and wasn’t sure where to look.

Then there was the medical student. He had on a nice tie. His baby fro was a bit out dated, but I suppose he’s good with it. He spent the entire three minutes talking about his interest in men’s health and how prostate cancer is killing our men. He went to some small school in Alabama and was apparently older than he looked. He also wore the smile of a creeper…or maybe he was just eager.

There was "That Guy" I think he was drunk. He didn’t answer questions (with truth). He went to the U for undergrad and it turns out that we know some of the same people. His line to me” ay can we just forget the little paper. Can I just have your number?” Umm sir that’s against the rules and time is up. He moved on to Jaz and I guess he was still talking about getting my number…she also reiterated that was against the rules. FF to the end of the night. He sees me leaving and says Oh you were gone leave without giving me that number huh. So he slips me his on a piece of paper that says “Call me (Name) (xxx)xxx-xxxx)”. I looked at my cell once I left there and I coincidentally had a message from the person that he and I both know who confirmed that he was wack and indeed one of those people who feels the need to know everyone. Ugh. I’m good.

Then there was the series of kappas from philly. They all went to either UPENN or Drexel, were linebrothers or neos, and smelled of similac. There was the cookie (or french fry) monstor who (go figure) was the baby in his family and the starving student. Next came "Losing Isiah" who was soft-spoke and probably a little socially awkward. There was Apollo or whatever his name was- from Sierra Leone. He apparently went to one year of high school in Oak Cliff (TX) and considered himself BFFs with a friend of mine from college. I wonder if TX even remembers him? Anyway I asked him if he could teach me how to dougie…he said no. He doesn’t do that. Ugh. I guess he’s too fancy.

I don’t remember which guy this was but I told him to pick a number 1-3 and he picked 4. I asked him kindly to pick 1-3. We ended up going through all three. He preferred fertilized, said he does “coon” so he could not teach me how to dougie, and looked appalled that I would ask a question “Gucci or waka”, he chose Gucci because he might have a small advantage on the intelligence front over waka. At this point I decided that he was not enough fun and thankfully time was up. G’bye.

I know I’m leaving some people out. Oh there was "one of the organizers"- the guy that had us sit down the first time (when we got booted) and insisted all night that "it wasn't his job to do x, y or z". He was so anxious to talk to the stank chick on the other side of me that when he sat down..I told him that I hope I wouldn’t disappoint because he was just so excited about his last encounter. He decided that I was holding a grudge from earlier or something. I don’t remember ish about him. Really.

OHHH I forgot about the turtle looking guy. He legit reminded me of the Terp mascot. He was filling in for someone. A third year in law school. I don’t remember where he was from. He was strange.

The last guy I met was an alpha from ARho (Morehouse and a different breed of APHIA). He was cool. He was actually from Durham and went to law school with my linesister so he started naming people that we probably knew (even though I told him that I probably don’t talk to whoever it was). He named someone by their nickname and I was just perplexed at the fact that they go around identifying herself as such….aren’t you grown? Prob not. Anyway. He’s been here a couple months. Clerks for a judge and deals with felons on the regular which he says are always guilty in his cases :/. He was a nice ending to the night.

Alas, it was over. I didn’t fill out my sheet. Honestly, I forgot to fill it out and I wasn’t taking it seriously so….yeah.

It was a good time (minus the dis-organization and rudeness). I’d definitely do it again. Any of you ever been?

The Man in the Mirror

I swear, I don't know how I lived without weekends for so long. Like....really?

In true fashion, this weekend was as eventful as others but I won't bore you will all of the details or additions to the "funniest bedtime story ever." I will tell you about drinks on Friday with Mr. Smile.

I wanted to do something after work, but after a long day- I really wasn't feeling the time that it was taking for people to respond to getting drinks. I got a text from Mr. Smile suggesting that we get up for a drink. Easy enough. I'm down. After battling about where to go, we decided on the mexican spot near my job. I got us a table while he parked and in the meantime-the waiter brought out the chips and salsa. Mr. Smile arrives, eats a couple chips, checks the bar for seating...and decides he'd rather check out the other spots. Laughing loudly, I'm down. Now ILYT and I have been accused of being flaky when it comes to restaurant decisions- it was refreshing to see that someone else has these same issues. The waiter sucked anyway. So we get up and jay-walk across the street to walk through the mall and get to the other restaurants.

I kid you NOT. THIS MAN CHECKED HIMSELF OUT IN EVERY MIRROR WE PASSED. He said it was because he was getting used to the additional facial hair (and then accused me of not paying him attention because I hadn't noticed that it was like a picometer longer than it was when I'd seen him last.) Finally, I asked him if he planned to look in EVERY mirror we saw. He asked if it bothered me...I just said...I don't know why you need to be in EVERY mirror. Maybe its the letters? Once we finally reached a bar- we sat in front of yet another mirror so in between sentences he could be seen checking himself out in the mirror...

Seriously, who needs that much mirror time? Everything else was cool but that one thing was a bit odd to me #kanyeshrug

From the Why Me Files: Mercury in Retrograde

So there's a couple points in the year when mercury goes into retrograde which is blamed for all types of technical mishaps...lost emails...etc, but I tend to blame a bunch of craziness happening too close together on the little phenom too. I promise some of the craziest things happen to or around me. Here's a little recap of this weeks shenanigans....and the weekend just got started.

Sidenote: my Taquita moves here next week....trouble...trouble...

Tuesday night madness:

I'm getting into the groove of bi-weekly tennis sessions with Mrs. Antoine Dodson and we always have a good time. This chick used to play competitively so I really thing she's going easy on me but I'm gaining better control over my swing...hopefully I will stop hitting over the wall. Digression. That's not the point of the story.

We get ready to take the court and this brotha walks by on his cell phone. Socks and flip flops. He takes a seat on the bench and converses with whoever is on the other end. I assume he's also taking in the sights of our match and the pick-up game going on. The evening progresses and all is well. I guess he needed to be at the park to get his little "sexy whisper" on or whatever, but suddenly we look up and we see this

I realize that you may not be able to make this picture out completely but this FOOL is on the swing set. No, not on the regular swing which would have been suss enough...the toddler swing that goes over the head and fastens between the legs. knee grow Boy please! Are you serious. He was really goin' at it...like for real swinging.. mom says I should have called park police and reported a pedophile.

After that, I decided to hit the gym to get some spin in. I forgot how much I hated the Bally's on that side of town. After fighting with foreigners that can't drive in the parking lot. I go in to find that the spin room is occupied by grown men taekwondo-ers (there's something strange about that to me). Anyway I got on the regular bike downstairs and in walks something strange. Now, I've been watching a lot of Lie to Me, Rizzoli & Isles, Covert Affirs, and Burn Notice...so I think I'm somethin' official. And by nature I'm a people watcher. So...this comes in...

The brotha comes in with black sweatpants, black tee, black hoodie, and a damn northface jacket on. ITS SUMMERTIME. Where the hell is you goin? (yeah you read that right) So he comes and stands in the middle of the gym floor and looks at someone on the elliptical and looks at me since I'm sure he felt my death stare/side-eye combo which he repeats several times before proceeding to tuck his northface into his pants. At that moment, I'm not very comfortable. I decide I'll just wait to hear how this plays out on the news the next morning. But just before I go...he puts his hands in his pockets of his jacket which is now tucked in and continues to just stand there. I jump ship. I'm outtie.

Thankfully my Wednesday went more smoothly with the exception of the lack of straight men in Chinatown for the screening of Takers. My review: Takers is definitely worth seeing if only: to see Chis Brown prove he isn't an actor, to see TI look like a Ken doll in a cop uniform, to hear Idris Elba speak in his natural accent (though a bit exaggerated), to see set it off- but with an all male cast, and to see the best crackhead acting since Sam Jackson and Halle Berry in Jungle Fever. I'm voting for a sequel right now with the crackhead as one of the takers!

After the movie I get a text from my friend who has made it her goal to set me up with a DC cop. They tend to have neck tats and carry guns for a living. So I wake up to a text asking if I would go out with one. I say yes and then start probing for info about this person. She tells me his fraternity affiliation and his name (with instructions not to judge him based on his name alone since she KNEW that was going to be my next move). Anyway, I google the brotha and a story in the fraternity newsletter comes up...Wait he's life member? He's been workin' where since '87? The hell did she set me up with? Father time? I got back to my google search and find that there is a Jr....crisis averted. So I take a peek and then I start to feel a little bougie...the guys seems a little "local" for me. Granted he's from the area so I guess...but the pic of him with the chick's arse tooted up in the air forced me to issue a side-eye. But it never hurts to meet new people. And besides...a cop is good for the repertoire...much like a 2520 and a lawyer. Makes life easier. I guess I should text him....

Last night though, I'm in Harris Teeter post-gym to get some bacon. Judge away, but I work out because I don't deny myself of pork covered cheese fries life's pleasures. So I guess 11pm is stock time and the floor is full of folks unloading food and stocking shelves. I get to the cheese and bread isle and stop first to pick up my colby jack. I proceed down the aisle to get bread...but I felt eyes and heard whispers from two guys who weren't actually close enough to whisper. Admittedly it felt a little awkward. That plus the fact that I wasn't impressed with their bread selection and the fact that I somehow forgot to get the bacon which was back up towards the cheese meant that I couldn't make an easy escape from the awkward whispers, rather I had to walk back up the aisle. So as I'm walking I hear...."excuse me miss, can I ask you a question?" Ugh...of course I turn around and smile and say yes. So the gentleman asks me how old I was and I answered his question. Then he asked me my name, which I provided. He then tells me that his friend....stocking the bread...was Donovan and that Donovan had let me walk by two times without saying anything but he was interested in talking to me. Meanwhile Donovan is back there smiling like he eats glue. I say awwww and make a mad dash to the bacon. The other guy says oh do you have a boyfriend..and I say yeah. I hate lying..and I despise liars...but what is the other way to get out of this? Suggestions anyone.

It's friday. I ain't got no job (sorta). And I ain't got ish to do...except attend my farewell lunch. I'm ready to find some trouble to get into.

Saturday's lounge crawl (like a pub crawl-in heels and short dresses!)

After beasting it all day at the one-day home sale on Saturday- I surely needed some fun (after some rest of course). Leave it to Jaz to find some trouble for us to get into. She suggested The Reserve a cool little wine lounge that was once my Wednesday spot. I'd never been on a Saturday so we applied "Morgan's Rule" and made plans to meet.

Then the adventure started.

So since Jaz and I have a knack for being party-starters (read: the ones that get there way too early) we didn't expect anything less for our arrival at The Reserve. We go in and there's like maybe 20 people there. Literally. There's the skinny guy guarding the stairs who promptly lets us know that upstairs is not open yet. Ugh, I was secretly hoping that there was a plethora of people hiding upstairs having the time of their lives....fail. And as I scan the room there are like 4 guys there...all of which look socially awkward. So we head 'round the bar to get some drinks. The bartender lets us know that nothing we want is included in the open bar so we just order two-vodka lemonades....and meet him on the other side of the bar where he gives us two cranberry vodkas...let's blow this joint.

Out comes the handy iPhone 4 to guide us on our journey to Recess. Another "Saturday" spot. Mind you its like 1030 so no place is really...packed...per se but we walked past Recess twice before realizing where it actually was...needless to say no line- we ain't going. On to the next spot. The Park- for international night. Luckily Jaz had almost been run over by one of the doorman's segways a few weeks prior so we didn't have to stand in that silly little line. It was the annual beach party-so the staff was dressed foolishly. We head to the bar in the back but stop to be mildly entertained by the 65+ couple gettin' it on the dance floor. Grab some drinks and head upstairs. I don't think I've ever seen The Park that empty. But the music was fist-pump worthy (which one of the bouncers assured me would not be the case the entire night)....my response...will they be playing any Big Meach or Larry Hoover? He swore yes. We stayed long enough to plot the next move and finish our drinks. Caught a cab and then tried to figure out how we were going to squeeze in some Ben's Chili Bowl before going out. Next stop: Station 9. We get in the cab and Jaz keeps saying "Thank God" to the cabbie- I give her a look like maybe the cabbie isn't down with God so Jaz says...Oh im sorry sir are you muslim? He replied that he was Christian-great! So then we ask if he has gum and he passes back a pack. My accomplice yells..TAKE FO OR FIVE Pieces.....iCan't he's a nice Christian guy we can't be greedy. He drops us off at Station 9 ( no chili bowl which I think Jaz is still holding against me). She finds the guy she knows...gets us in. THERE IS ONE BAR OPEN! ONE. The lights are ON. and no one told me that it was "fat guy in a little coat" night. So you are just gonna wear this tight arse short-sleeved button down with this red bow-tie and this grey vest? With these plaid shorts? Ok sir....iCan't. Then there's Mr. Beyonce. I appreciate a GBF as much as the next girl buy why are you stompin' yo feet so damn hard? Can we go now....we move swiftly out of the door heads to the left to avoid eye contact with the guy that let us in....Cab PUHLEEZ!

Still hungry, we ask the cabbie if he has snacks (we don't rule out possibilities since the last cabbie shared his gum with us). This one had no snacks but did indeed offer us bottle water. He also had beer for sell for $24 dollars for the late night crew. Gotta love a man with a side hustle. Somehow the topic of conversation got on to dating. Our cab driver had broken up with the American chick he was dating because she talked too much. So our conclusion was that he want's someone mute or at least one who knows when to shut the eff up. He chuckled and said that wasn't the case, but we all know the truth. I don't remember what Jaz said to him to peak his interest but I believe the conversation ended with him saying "I wish I marry you" to her.

At this point we've arrived at Ozio. Thanks to a friend of a friend...we wouldn't have to wait in line or anything (in theory) but in practice-the doormen were really trying to play folks. We exit the cab and Jaz decides to approach the guys "peeing on the wall" who were actually peeking through a restaurant window to watch some re-run of sports center. We introduce ourselves to "the agent" and "the client". Collectively we roll to Ozio. Jaz peeps something on the client and tells me to look....he has a NECK TAT. Too bad he had teeth that had been marred by the rocks he obviously chews on the regular to go with it. We go through when them but the chick at the door is trying to charge...and they guys didn't pay soo we were like oh we are on such and such's list. She's like well the list line is there. Ummm we ain't doing that. After about 10 minutes we spot the person we are looking for and after the rude arse owner got out of the way...we made our way in. EEK! There's no one here either. I think we were there maybe 30 minutes, but didn't leave before bumping into the agent-client again. They ask us why we didn't come in with them. Umm maybe because you didn't pay-and we weren't about to pay to get into Ozio...and because they stood at the door for a good 10 looking for their homeboy or whoever. Client says that the guy said we could get in blah blah..I got lost in the spaces between his teeth. I just also figured out that he looked like Binky from "Arthur". So as we dive more into convo with these two-we inquire what team he wishes plays for and why he's not at camp. Apparently he's still waiting on the chiefs to come up off that money. In true GD fashion I ask him where he played undergrad-and his name and get my google on. Ummm...no results returned. You sir, are a fail.

It's time to call it a night. Four venues and no wins- and we are both starving. Yep, let's go. We hop in another cab (who isn't nearly as colorful as our other cabbies) and get back to our cars. Two guys pull up take my spot and ask why we are leaving so early...I tell them how wack the scene is and they propose going to get food...we probably should have taken them up on that...

Well at least it was an adventure, right?

From the Why Me Files: Saturday's Win (and losses)

I finally got a Saturday off and since it is summer, after all, that brought great promise. Team USA was set to kick balls with Ghana and Jaz invited me (through a Duke email chain) to a lounge near the Hill to watch the game. The email said free beer and pepsi..some food and the game so I was definitely down. And that's where the adventure started....

I rode the train into the city because the Capital BBQ Battle was going on along with Carnival and I was not in the mood to deal with driving...and parking in the city. Things started off well. The train ride was relatively un-eventful until I missed my transfer and had to backtrack....so I got off an Union Station and started walking in what I assumed to be the right direction because I knew the address (or so I thought) and I'm great at navigating my way around. I ended up walking around for literally 35 minutes in the wrong direction only for Jaz and I to finally conclude that I was in NW while she (and the beer, food, and tv) were all in NE. My DC people know what that means...I was literally about 4 blocks away but after walking around in the hot arse sun, frustrated because being in the wrong quadrant NEVER crossed my mind...I grabbed the first cab I saw...who asked me if I was going in a certain direction cuz he had to go see his grandbabies...and then informed me that he had just turned off the air before asking me if that was ok....BROTHA...I'm sweating like Luther live in concert...are you serious? It didn't really matter I just needed to get him to drive me three blocks away so I could finally get to my destination.

I met Jaz at the door where the girl in front of us was showing an invalid ID but insisted that she knew a lot of people inside so the bouncer should let her in....NOTE: If you are trying to get into a private event you must NAME DROP...knowing "a lot " of people inside is going to get you no where. Nevermind her, we go inside where we are greeted and given a free team USA t-shirt (there's goodies too? This is definitely a win!) and we head straight to the bar to look at the "open bar"menu...which basically said that EVERYTHING was included. So we grab our first drinks...and scope out the place eventually settling near another group of brown people (yall know how we congregate). And since we can't just roll into a group of black folks without introducing ourselves...the intros began. Starting with "what do you do" and ending with the OBLIGATORY (and played) conversation about why they hate Duke (seriously, do you people think that YOU are the first person that WE'VE had this convo with and do you think we live for this ish?) The day progresses...we drink more... Jaz then goes and gets me a champagne with grenadine pomegranate juice...and that's where it all gets ugly.

In a moment of celebration, new friend subliminal douchebag who reminds me of someone annoying that I went to grad school with throws his hands in the air and UP GOES MY DRINK...down goes the glass (and shatters) and the girl next to me is having a breakdown. So, though I AM soaking wet....now from my drink after sweating like a pig...I try to console this chick who I am sure got cut by the glass (the only way to explain her fit)....no she just got wet trick please . Jaz has no idea what happened she just heard the glass and truthfully I'm more mad that he spilled my drank...back to the bar you go buddy. After all that calmed down- someone said something to offend the Morehouse brotha..so he moved across the room....ummm the US lost...and we headed back to Jaz's house to change for another party I planned to attend. BUT before we could get there...we realize that something was left in the apartment so we run up the escalator (I FALL) from the metro station and back to the house then back to the station...and I recognize some funny business goin on with my shoe....IT'S TALKING. WTF. I don't feel like going to change into the others, so I settle on the fact that I'll just have to drag my leg like I have a club foot for the rest of the day...thankfully Jaz has a brain and suggested that I stopped chewing my gum and use it as glue to fix my shoe...and she even donated her gum too. Friends? How many of us have them? TADAAAA- sho problem fixed.

We got to the party but it was too late...so we had dinner and girltalk. Perfect way to end the day!

From the Why Me Files: Got Myself a Gun

Well, not really. But I wished I had one yesterday so I could have shot out some tires...or at the very least ..."twist it 'round my head and spin it like a helicopter."

I'm driving to work yesterday and it's warm so people have their tops dropped, traffic is moving at a fairly acceptable pace and then I hear this horn honking at me. Now, I'm not doing anything to warrant such a response so I ignore it. BUT the noise keeps coming. So I finally look over and this hispanic guy is looking at me smiling and waving. I turn my head back to the road and am CLEARLY ignoring this person. So he continues to blow his horn. I look back over and he's just a waving so i wave and turn my head-AGAIN but he doesn't stop so I look over and he's pointing to something behind him-us. I continue to ignore him but I'm getting close to work and I notice that he's fauking up traffic and getting behind me. WTH!!!!!

This man literally follows me to work and into the parking garage. I wasn't going to park because there were no familiar faces in the garage at the time. It was as this point that I realized..."I need a pistol"...I bet he wouldn't follow anyone else. As I'm circling the garage trying to figure out what to do I notice that he's just sitting at the opening of the garage waiting on me to come back around. So he blows his horn again. Finally I STOP, roll down my window, and say " WHAT!". He asks if I was looking to get that dent (from a couple weeks ago) fixed on my car. I look at him-annoyed and tell him I've got it!.

Now apparently Maryland gun laws are strict(er) than those in the south...so having a gun really would not have benefitted me at all in this case. BUT in my dreams....I woulda pulled up next to him with my "little chrome thing" and said WHAT. I think that would have been more effective.

Le Sigh....

From the Why Me Files: Cinco de Mayo Edition

No, I don't speak a lick of spanish. No, I don't actually know the meaning of Cinco de Mayo and neither do many of you bougie-boos . BUT I did want a strawberry margarita yesterday and I was pretty determined to get one with the help of him. So after bouncing around a few restaurants looking for one without so many of you people drankin and yappin' it up , we settled at Copper Canyon in hopes of a margarita and good conversation at the very least. And since of course my life is a reality show waiting to happen...we got much more...

Let's start with the table. Sitting on the patio was mandatory. It was too nice outside last night to sit inside a restaurant. Plus, I think sitting outside makes things a little more relaxed. BUT our table was next to the fireplace and for a few seconds I thought for sure that I was going to break out in my own personal summer. Eventually I stopped noticing it though.

Now about our waiter, Duncan. Duncan was well educated (Princeton Alum) and well-spoken, his and he was from Memphis. Duncan even wrote in small letters (which according to him, is a sign of intelligence-whereas lisps and big arse letters are not). Everything was fine with Duncan in the beginning, well except that he was "comfortable" enough with us to curse when talking (side-eyeing you Duncan). But then Duncan comes over to the table, not to check on us, but to inform us that he's trying to interfere with this before it happens, but that if an order of kid's chicken tenders gets delivered to our table to accept it and pretend that its ours-cuz he's got to eat dinner too. UMMM...did this ninja just order his dinner to our table? Seriously? He's wayyy to comfortable over here.

Then there's the guy in the wheelchair/power chair thing. We were sitting on a patio in downtown Silver Spring so offf course people were walking/rolling by. Then comes this brotha...with a cash money bandana, sunglasses (it was 10PM), and a velour track suit. I really paid him no mind as I figured he was just passing through until he started slow creepin, stopped, and then reversed all near our table. And kept inching forward...and then backward...and then forward again. Now he's in disbelief too. Is this guy really getting close to our table. Is he going to approach or just stare? None of the above actually. He preceded to move down a few tables and park himself to watch two young ladies make kissyface. Insert my confused face here.

So there were a few funny moments of the night. Even when a fellow Duke Alum/old co-worker who I dislike and who actively dislikes me (obvi) walked by still sporting a scowl similar to Kobe, which I guess happens when your life is hers...we made eye contact though her eyes darted to the ground quicker than a h* in church. Some things never change!

And this was just the first adventure with him...wonder what comes next?

From the Why Me Files: Tax Day

Shame on me for waiting this late to file (the absolute last moment for my state taxes) but it is what it is. I've never waited this long do do my taxes but I had my reasons this year. So I came home today to submit my state taxes online and POW! Arkansas says" eff yo taxes if you don't submit them with your federal e-file." So confused, I scramble to a bunch of different websites to avoid paying Turbo Tax the cost of filing the state taxes since I am going to have to mail the form anyway. I found myself getting frustrated (which may have had more to do with other things that were getting to me) so I just said eff it. I paid the turbo tax fee and copied the info onto the form to be mailed in. By this time its a little after 6PM but I figured that USPS was staying open late to celebrate Tax Day. WRONG. Apparently the DC metro area has decided that having only 4 branches open late between DC and MD would be acceptable #epicfail. And just as I was about to drive from the post office near my house to DC...I remembered a low-key post office in Maryland with an APC (automated postal center). Bam..imma go there. So I get there and the line is out of the door (which is to be expected) because it's tax day damnit. All is good until one of yall's aunties shows up huffin and puffin about getting off the bus to get in her car to come to this location...and oooh chile it ain't even open...and what is we waitin in dis line fa?

I was greeted first by her loud arse perfume. Not that "oh this was once a nice fragrance but I over did it by putting on the whole bottle" scent, but that "oh i picked this stinky ish up at the same place I bought my wig" type of situation. This woman complained from the moment she got in line. Now I've learned that when I have to state the "obvious" I'm not always nice so when she asked why we were standing in line (after reading the sign on the door stating that this joint was NOT going to be open late) I didn't answer. Nor did I acknowledge her huffing and puffing. But the constant question of "are we waiting in this line for a stamp" line was getting old at the 30 minute mark. That was usually accompanied by "why didn't they pay three people to work over time" and "down in DC it's not like this". Now I'm thinkin' if you got on the bus from the great DC then why not hop ur arse back on it so you can get from behind me? Ok so at about the 45 minute mark...she announces that she has a stamp. Say what? Ok go drop yo ish in the box then! But because people are unaware of how the post office works (shocker, I know) she continues to stay in line. She was far more obnoxious than the 3.5 year old who was entertaining himself by yelling and running around his dad the whole time. She sees an elderly woman and offers to get her a seat inside but the lady declines until like three other people suggest/offer her a chair. Then yo auntie gets an attitude because her offer was rejected. So to comfort her own soul...she starts singing and dancing like she just walked into Sha Nay Nay's bump and curl. iKid you NOT. Finally we get to the door and can see the machine. We've now been in line about an hour or more. And some man informed the line that you must put atleast a dollar on your card at the APC so many people ahead in line were teaming up to get three stamps at a time and divvy them up. "Ohhhh we need to do that back here"-she proclaims to deaf ears. As people are realizing that they have to get the extra stamps, many are just giving them to people in line or selling them. Well yo aunt asks one lady for hers and the woman didn't want to sell hers. To think...she actually WANTED the postage that she paid for...the nerve. Well that gives wig lady something else to have an attitude about but alas someone gives her a postmarked stamp and she happily gets out of line only to stand in front of the mailboxes for 3 minutes trying to decide if its local, out of town, stamped, or metered. AHHHHHHH. Finally she's ready to leave and bids us all adeu b saying "bye yall...good luck still standing in line." If only she know that the line would actually be tolerable without her behind my head.....

Then there's the chick that offers to buy postage for the 20 people ahead of her if she can cut because she "knows how to use the machine"...but in actuality she isn't that great at it but atleast she paid for my stamps...

Things end up on the sunny sid afterall

Quarterlife Crisis

I got the link to this article from someone else but I thought it was worth sharing. How many of us have found ourselves at this point either currently or in the recent past? Did you wake up one day and ask yourself how you got "here"? Where did the time go? Were we not just getting s*itfaced in undergrad....like just the other day? How did we suddenly become grown-ups and why doesn't the path that we took to get here...look like the one that we had drawn with crayons years ago? WTF man!


Welcome to Your Quarterlife Crisis

You can't make any decisions because you don't know what you want. And you don't know what you want because you don't know who you are. And you don't know who you are because you're allowed to be anyone you want. How messed up is that?

Check out the rest of the article here

Riddle me this rhyme....

What does "I don't want to waste your time. I can't take you seriously." mean to you?

I said this in plain english to KFC weeks ago. So at his request I called him last night just before my run so that I wouldn't have to talk long and he asked if we were actually ever gonna go out whatever. I told him that yea we can hang out but that I'd already told him that I wasn't trying to waste his time. He said "does that mean you aren't interested?" Ummmm yeah. Was that not clear when I said it the first time? He said that's all he needed to know...so I said OK BYE and proceeded with getting sexy legs. #Kanyeshrug

So was the first sentence not obvious when I said it weeks ago? I have to go to his gym tonite after a meeting. Think it will be awkward? I changed the address on my Bally's account just in case he's crazy.

Happy Hump Day!

These two ears...

Ever wonder if you're being punked? Seriously- I wait for Ashton and a camera crew to pop up out of the bushes or from behind the door.

Yesterday my phone rings (I know you read the blog now, so feel special that this post is about you) and its an ex. I was tempted to not answer it. I actually expected the camera crew to come through then to catch the reaction on my face when the number showed up...I figured it would be the same conversation that had been texted to me over the past couple months and since I'd forgiven in my heart. I didn't think anything else needed to be said...but "what if it's important" came up so I answered. The conversation wasn't at all what I expected it to be. He needed an ear (or two) and a few words. We actually had a good conversation.

I know that I'm a listener. I can take a survey of those I'm close to and I'm sure they will say the same. But in the midst of the conversation with him, I realized just why it is that I've never really seriously dated someone that I wasn't friends with before. Without a friendship foundation....these conversations wouldn't be possible. Being someone's friend is being there to listen to them and support and help them along the way. Barring certain reasons for ending a relationship (i.e. violence, cheating) it is possible to still be friends with someone after. You never really know why God puts you in someone's path. Seriously. You may have thought it was for one reason but as time goes on, you realize that it was about something else entirely.

Live from the docs waiting room

This will probably read more like a live feed of thoughts in my head as I am waiting to be called back into an exam room. I was having a little chest pain during my workouts a week ago so I decided to do the responsible thing and shedule and appointment, plus who doesn't need a physical? And I pay for insurance to cover these things so why not use it?

Anyway I drove to the office and decided that I felt some type of way about this whole thing from the looks of the building but we aren't supposed to judge a book by it's cover so I can only hope it gets better once inside. Now welcome to my thoughts....

Oh yeah I was right about the outside. This waiting room is uncomfortably small

Hmm the receptionist is wearing an aeropostale goodie. Regular clothes. Umm that's not professional but unfortuntely it does answer my question of the ethnicity of my physician.

Who is this person that just walked by me and went straight into the clinic space no questions asked?

Am I in a free clinc? Where's Ashton!

Oh look another person coming in. Going straight to the back too? Are you old enough to smoke whatever it is that you smell like?

There's the doctor. Those must be her kids....or juvenile detention outreach project.

Another patient comes on and her hair is multiple colored. Oh girl are you rocking the latest coogi bag?

New patient. This one comes with a lingering smell. (sidenote: yall know I have a sensitive nose. This funk is currently torturing me as I sit here on this small arse waiting room)

What is this soft rock music playing, wait nevermind it's been overtaken by your beyonce ringtone .:sideye:.

New patient. Oh that's nice of you to show us your arse sir. Where's the "pants on the ground" man when you need him?

Am I going to get robbed while I'm siting here?

Whyyyy did I not ask my aunt where to find a bougie-friendly physician and office?

Ok it's 3:28 I was early to my appointment. Fine. But how much later are you going to be doc?